Full Circle & Fully Alive : How The Mad Method Brought Me Back to Myself

Foreign. Hi, everyone. Hello. I know it has been some time. I'm here today and excited to just share my energy. I just got done with a music production session with a female producer, woman producer in dance music, and her name is Shah. She is from the uk and it was so incredible. And, yeah, I'm just feeling really good and really inspired after it. I'm also recovering from, I think, maybe a little sinus pressure last weekend. So my voice might be a little voicey. But, yes, I have been feeling called to come back to the podcast. I'm just still trying to figure out what that means and how to incorporate it with energy levels and, yeah, not burn myself out before I get back into it. So, yes, I feel like I haven't. When's the last time I posted? Maybe over the summer or August or something like that, but it's been a few months. Yeah, I had been doing video and I think it was just really, you know, on days that you don't really want to be seen and then feeling like it's an obligation and then it just turns into this whole entire thing and then you're like, yeah, I haven't podcasted for a year, so I am so glad that I get to incorporate it again because I really feel like it gave me permission. Yes. But being able to start a podcast and not just to hear myself talk, but to talk things through. I am learning that I am a verbal processor for sure, and talking things through helps me feel better about it or relate to the situation differently. And it's like you don't notice how important it is until you remove it from your life. And so whenever I started this in 2019, it was like, from then, I don't know, maybe to 2021 or something, you know, for a few years, you're just like, yeah, I talk into a microphone and I have this space to be me and I can be safe because there's no one else in the room. You know, I'm just talking to myself and talking things through and I'm talking to you. But when you're in the act of recording the podcast, but not feeling like I wanted to podcast or feeling like I could talk to the podcast about things. Really? Yeah. I mean, it removed it from my life. And I think I have felt so stifled, and I'm thinking of just like a stuffy room, but I haven't allowed myself or given myself permission to speak and to talk. And so it's like through that I've been building up just so much anger that you don't know is anger. And I have just not said the things that I, you know, would like to say or wish I could say, but that has gotten to be overwhelming too. And then you're like, well, I haven't talked about it and I haven't said anything. So it's just like bouncing around in my head. And I totally think that journaling is an antidote. Antidote to the bouncing around in your head. But at the same time, speaking things aloud just feels so different and powerful. And so I am excited to incorporate that into my life again and not really feeling like I need to have a strategy or have an agenda. Because I remember I started my podcast because I just wanted to share things that were important with me, but then also give myself the space to talk about things that matter to me. And that, yeah, it really is like talking about the things that matter to you. Because I feel like I hold my tongue a lot when I am nervous about what other people will think about my stuff. Case in point, edm. I feel like my podcast was a really cool way that I got to document the beginning of my journey. Yeah, it's so cool. Like, if you. I basically started DJing and learning to write music when I was starting the podcast. So it's almost like this double helix kind of journey. And you can actually hear where I was before I played my first show and when I played my show and everything that's happened after, which has been so many things. But I remember before I found community in electronic music and bass music and what I love and thrive in, I am like, oh, I don't know if anyone wants to talk about this. And actually it's kind of weird. So if I do talk about this, you're probably going to think I'm weird. And we both know it's going to happen if you think I'm weird. And, you know, the spiral just spirals. And in my podcast, like, I can talk about whatever I want and it might not be received well, but at the end of the day, I can talk about the stuff that I think makes me feel weird. And I think that was always a good thing for me, even though I may not have known it at the time, but I'm just, yeah, so excited to. And so grateful that I did. I mean, it's cool because I started the podcast a few years ago, so it's not like I have to start from zero. I just get to start again. And I don't think that the video podcasts were for. Not either, because I think that was A cool, like, experimentation with video. And I think I love video editing, so it's like, I know that I can do it. It's just getting my nervous system used to being seen and being less afraid or just willing to walk with the fear and do things that scare me. And I think I talked. Yeah, I definitely talked about it because I did a podcast on it. But doing TikTok, making TikTok videos, doing tarot readings on TikTok really helped me, too. Just getting on video and doing all of those things. And I didn't really do it intentionally. I kind of did it to have a better sound. What's the word? Less echo. Because, you know, I freaking have had to deal with echo with my podcast since the beginning. But not echo, but, you know, when the sound is, like, bouncing. So, anyways, I got on the floor because I have carpet on the floor. But I'm also. My mirror is right here. So it's like I'm doing a little bit of mirror work by doing podcasting, too, which is vulnerable. But, you know, it's all of these things that I've gotten to do that create the safe space for me to be afraid. And, yeah, doing the video just got to be where sometimes I felt obligated. And once we throw obligation into the mix, it's. It's just like we don't want to do it. And rightly so. You know, I don't think any of us want to feel obligated to do things, but, yeah, I just finished my production lesson, and I just have been feeling, like, this insane energy for the entire. It's been like an hour, almost an hour and a half since I've been done. But it was just so inspiring, so validating to work with someone who is not only a woman, but also just has been going through similar things. You know, I don't know if I really focused on it when I talked about it before, but just being one of few women doing something in an industry, it's just. It's just an interesting niche kind of feeling. And I know there are many women who have felt that before, so I understand that there are still a lot of people who have experienced that. But it's cool because she is, like, you know, living the life that I want to live. Going on tour, playing Red Rocks, you know, releasing music. Like, it's just incredible and inspiring to be able to work so closely with someone and learn from them for a couple hours. And, yeah, really feeling like my music production has leveled up. I mean, yes, definitely after the session, but just thinking about when I started to. And that was a big part I do remember talking about in the podcast. Because this whole journey has really made my perfectionism, like, shine and see all the ways in which I can still be, you know, my bully, my own bully, and the way I talk about what I make and all this stuff. But I definitely have grown so much and I finally feel like I'm getting like closer and closer and closer to what I want to make and what I really enjoy listening to. And so that is really exciting. What else? Yeah, I am getting ready to go to LA this weekend with my really good friends who throw the music festival. I've talked about it before. Goddess Awakening. I played it this year, Year three. Yeah. Whoa, that's crazy. This is my third year playing it. Yeah, we're going to LA with her boyfriend and her friend Brian. And I'm going and we're gonna meet Noe and we're going to go to a show that one of our headliners that played Goddess this year, she is throwing. So it's going to be exciting to go support her 100 drums. And it's for the Immersive, the stop in LA for Immersive's tour. And yeah, I'm just excited to go be in some more creative energy and around community and people who are doing what I want to do. And so I'm getting excited for that. I also just launched last week my one on one signature personal transformation program. I'm so excited that it's finally live. I had released it in June and I went through the program. We did some incredible things and I just wanted to rework it and re personalize it so that you can get the best transformation, the one that you, you know, are looking for. And I just made it way more personalized this year. Not this year. This. This program now has five different sessions where we work one on one, one of which is actually like a full blown astrology and human design reading. And then four other times that we meet over 12 weeks to really guide you and support you in learning the MAD method and translating this into your own life. And so I'm just so excited that she's out in the world. I've been kind of plotting and scheming and wanting to relaunch it again since doing it in June. And yeah, it just feels so special and so powerful. And the whole program is designed to guide you and support you in reconnecting with who you really are. And I say who you really are, as in like we have been so conditioned, not only women, but just all of us as humans to live life by these certain rules. And a lot of us basically grew up getting told who we are and who we were going to be. And as you're growing up, like, you fucking believe that shit and you believe that that's true. And you kind of cap yourself at this, at this limit and in this box of things that you only think you are so capable of. And we don't realize that these boxes are like, tiny compared to the sky. Then the sky is the limit. Like, these limiting boxes are so tiny. And it's like the whole goldfish in the bowl. Like, they don't know their in water because it's the whole thing. And like, they don't know. And that's how we have become. Like, we have just become so conditioned that we don't even realize how conditioned we are. And I don't say this to shame anyone. I think it's just kind of like a collective, like, waking up, like, oh, and if you know what I'm talking about, then you understand what I'm saying. But this person who has been conditioned is not who you actually are. And not. You are still you, and you still have this energy and this essence about you, but you have grown to see a different version of yourself. And my program is all about how to connect, reconnect with that core essence that you've always been and not let yourself be limited by these tiny, small, low ceilings that we didn't even intentionally, you know, put in our lives. And these limitations just keep us working these jobs and staying in this. Just kind of like checking out and going back to work the next day and really leaving us disconnected from our expression and our creativity and just plain feeling good in our bodies. I think a lot of this disconnection really manifests through tension in our bodies and pain. And this can even turn into chronic pain and chronic illness. And yeah, that's like a whole other podcast episode. But I'm really big into the mind, body, connection. Mind, body and spirit connection. And you will see this in the program when we work together. Like, it's not just about healing your mind because your body is also included. Like, your spirit is also included. Everything is all working together. It's not just one or the other. It's everything working together. And it's like through this disconnection with our body because we have been conditioned to think these certain things, there is just a disconnect all over. And we're seeing it in, you know, being dissatisfied in our lives. Feeling tired all the time, feeling exhausted, feeling like we're not doing anything, feeling like we're barely making it, feeling like we're waking up to having the same day over and over again. This disconnect is because we have been so far removed from who we really are. And I think there's a lot of ways in which our society doesn't make it possible to be who we are, and especially when you are a person of color. I think that our society has put in place these. These things that do not support the growth and empowerment of people who are not white. And I think that that's pretty up. And, yeah, there are so many ways that reinforce our disconnection from who we truly are. And I want to make it my mission that we all remember and that we all collectively wake up to everything that's going on. And I think we need each other through this anyways. Like, we. We have to be in this together and we have to come back to ourselves and come back to our body, because if we don't, then we're all going to be checked out and we're all going to be continuing to live these lives where we feel unfulfilled and like, we're not doing anything and like we're not making a difference and like everything's going to shit anyway, so why bother? And I just. I know there's another way and I know that it's possible and I know that we can transcend these small, tiny, tiny boxes because I have done it. I have been a victim of my own tiny box. And I know perfectionism so well and so intricately and it fucking sucks. And it's a byproduct of this society and these systems that want us to all be the same and want us to all go to work and not question anything and want us to be conformity, want us to conform to things so we don't speak up and we don't say anything and say anything and like, it's all together. And thankfully I have a space where I can just talk about this because lately it's just been, like, bouncing around in my head and sometimes in my journal. But I just truly believe that there is another way. And I have basically had to create that for myself because the thing is, like, we. There is another way, but we can't get there without ourselves. And for a lot of us, we have this kind of tense relationship with ourselves. And I think our disconnection from our own self is part of this whole thing, this whole equation. Because in order to break and transcend these boxes, we have to change how we think about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves to be true. Because a lot of the feelings that we have about ourself are projections and things, again, that people have told us who we are. And you're never going to amount to anything, and this is who you are, and blah, blah, blah. And like, this is what we believe about ourself. And so that's the narrative that we use in our head. And then we're like, oh, yeah, well, I'm a. And I'm a piece of shit and I can't do anything and I'll never amount to anything. And it's like, how are we going to transcend a box if we are the ones who are reinforcing us staying in the box? But again, that is not something that we are intentionally, consciously doing. It's something that we've been taught. It's something that we are literally doing because it is a pattern and a behavioral habit loop that is just recurring and repeating. But you can get out of this loop and you can tap into your brain science, because habits form because neurons that fire together, wire together. And these neurons have created these pathways that turn into highways because you've been doing it for years and years and years and years and years and years. And it's not just you, it's all of us. And it's not just for criticizing ourselves. It's for everything. Like, everything we do can be traced back to a brain pattern, a brain signaling that has happened in your body and has laid the groundwork and the foundations to have these habits repeat. And I've talked about it a little bit before, but all our body wants to do is keep us safe. So it's like we are operating in these patterns because our body wants to keep us safe, even though these patterns might not actually be keeping us safe anymore. A lot of the stuff that we have learned has started from childhood. And so this stuff that we have learned from childhood is what we have continued to believe. And as we grow up, this becomes our inner voice and our inner narration, because this is what we've believed up until this point. And then we grow up and we're like, why am I afraid to go out in public? Or why do I think I'm never going to amount to anything? And it's like, oh, because that's what you were told as a kid, and that's what you ingrained as a belief in your life. And that's what you put on the wall of your little box that you thought was possible for you. And it's like, this is where we find ourselves. Like we are just a part of a system and of generations repeating things without asking any questions. And this is why we are where we are. And the coolest part is that we don't have to stay here and we don't have to continue living these lives where we feel unfulfilled and we don't have to continue living by these beliefs and these patterns that were set when we were kids. But we do need to be patient with ourselves and hold space for ourselves and give ourselves a space to even like think about this stuff and reflect on this stuff. Because normally we fill our days with so much shit that we don't have time to self reflect or journal or think about the day or think about why this happened, or think about how you could do something that would better support you. You know, like, we're watching tv, we're doing this, we're on our phones and I scroll all the time too. But I'm like, when we become aware of this system, we become aware of the system and we become aware of how we can change how we're showing up so that we can create a different system. And I didn't even plan on talking about any of this stuff, but I think it is so beautiful and so perfect because this is literally the essence of the MAD method. Like we are walking together over three months to show you the places where these things have been told to you and show you how you can transcend them and we can connect, reconnect you to you. You get to rediscover who you are. And a lot of this we get to look at through your astrology. And I know my people will love this because they connect and they are spiritual and see things differently. But we can actually see in our charts how we show up in the world and different elements in our lives and how these manifest in different areas. And it is so cool to be able to look and feel so validated by either how you have been living or who you are. Like, for me, I was shamed so much for how sensitive I was. Like, I was probably crying out a lot of stuff. And even when my mom used to brush my hair, like I would be crying because it was just painful. And I think it's just because I'm so sensitive and like, I know it would like frustrate her and we just would like brushing my hair just became a whole event. And it's like, yeah, if I'm thinking I'M wrong for being sensitive and that I'm feeling too much. And I go on living my whole entire life that way. Like, I'm gonna freaking think that something's wrong with me, but I look at my astrology and my sun sign is Pisces, and I have all these other ways that water placement show up in my life. And it's like, you're designed to feel sensitive. You're designed to feel this much. Like this is part of who you are and part of the gift that you actually have to be able to perceive and to feel things so deeply in a world where people do not. And so being able to be validated and feel seen for who you are, even in your little idiosyncrasies is like. It's just. You move different, you think different, and you start to be different. Like, feeling safe and seen in who you are is just medicine. And I want everybody to feel like that. Like, I want everyone to feel like they matter and that they are supported and important and designed to be uniquely them. Because that is a lot of the conditioning that we received. You're too sensitive. And that's the gunk that has kept me from embracing my sensitivity and embracing these gifts that I have. Imagine if I thought I was too sensitive my whole life. And I know a lot of us have thought that our whole lives and continue to live our lives thinking that, because that's who we are surrounded by. But it's like, imagine living a life and you feel like you're too sensitive the whole time, and then you die. And then it's like you never even got the chance to express yourself or share who you truly are because you thought something was wrong with you the whole time. No, something's wrong with whoever said that. The people who can't feel are repressing a lot. And that doesn't mean that you are wrong or bad. And, like, I feel like we all need to hear that. We all need someone to tell us, like, nothing's wrong with you. And this doesn't excuse, like, shitty behavior. I'm just saying, like, you are born with gifts and you're born with unique energy, and that's that, you know, like, you're unique in this universe and you have a magic and a gift that only you have. And when you don't express it, we don't get to experience it and see it. And I don't think you need to live a life based on other people like that. Like, I mean, in a sense, yes, we do owe it to each other. But not in an obligatory way. Like if you are still needing to like, learn about yourself and take time to soften. Like, I believe that you know best for yourself and so it is safe for you to do that. But I do want you to know that you have an entire life, like, waiting for you when you allow yourself that and you allow yourself to express yourself and share who you are. Because there are people out there who are looking for you and who do care about you and who do feel the way you feel. In fact, there are probably so many people out there who feel the way you feel that you just haven't met yet or connected with. But, like, they are out there. And it's important that we find each other. It's important that we connect with these people. Because being neurodivergent and being sensitive and feeling isolated feels like this universal experience that we're all having. Not all, because whatever, but that many of us are having. And it's like we have to. Only we can see each other and only we have the ability to validate one another because we do share this experience and we are feeling this way. And I'm just so grateful for all the people who I have found who do feel very similarly as I do and have grown up with similar traumas and similar things. And yeah, it's just so amazing when you can find the community and you feel less alone and you feel less weird and less like you don't belong, because you do belong. And I think we all belong. And I think that love is always the answer. And I think that learning to love ourselves a little more is always the answer. And I think it is through this healing relationship with ourself that we can go out and make a huge difference in the world. And to be able to share the love and the compassion that we've learned with one another. My heart is so full. But yes, I would love for you to come be a part of the MAD method. It is, yeah, a 12 week journey. We work together over 12 weeks. I've got different modules and different things that we discuss and talk about and learn about. And you get to basically rewrite your life and rewrite your narrative in a way that feels good for you and that feels sustainable for you and feels safe, but growing out of your comfort zone. But yeah, it's designed to help you reconnect who you are with who you are before the conditioning and really rewrite your, your narrative and the story that you're telling yourself and the story that you wake up and tell yourself every day. Like, you get to rewrite that and you get to rewrite it in a way that, that feels good and feels empowering and feels supportive of the life that you want. Because that's what I am learning. Like, I get to dj, I get to play this music that I thought everyone thought was weird. Like, I get to go be me and I get to go share my gifts because I gave myself a chance and I really, really worked on this relationship with myself so much that, like, I trust myself now and I trust myself so deeply and. And I know that my life is possible because I've been creating it. Like, my life is so different than it was when I first started. It was so different 10 years ago. Like, if I could take a glimpse into the future in 2015 to show me where I am now, I would not believe it. I would not believe it one bit. But I am so stoked that I'm here and I love my life. Like, literally, like, I'm getting to do what I love and I'm getting to share my gifts and express myself and write music and freaking sing. And I was playing ukulele the other day and I don't know, there was just something about, like, being alone in the house and just like singing as loud as you want. It's like I've never felt so free to express myself and it's just, yeah, life changing. And I want you to be able to feel supported and guided on your personal transformation journey. And yes. So if you know that you are ready and you want to work with me one on one and start your 12 weeks so that you come out on the other side, the coolest, most magical, awesome version of yourself. Join the MAD method. I'm going to put the link in the show notes and yes, I have payment plans available. The sales page is going to be in the links. You can read about it. You can read a little bit more about what we are going to do over the 12 weeks, who you're going to become and all of those goodies. Well, thank you so much for having me back, having me back on my own podcast. Thanks. No, but I'm excited. I think it just takes a little bit of momentum and I'm so glad that I started this momentum and got back into it. So with that, I will leave you. But I hope you have an amazing day and I appreciate you so much and don't forget, anything's possible. Bye, Sa.