Letting Go of People Pleasing + Choosing Your Feelings First

Hello. Welcome to embrace the madness. This is Madeline. I am your host of the podcast, and we're back with another episode. Yeah, it's podcast time. It's been some time. I think I've just been. Yeah, you know, I've just been reminiscing on when I first started the podcast and how I had, like, had really, really structured my schedule and was really committed to doing it. Doing it now I'm, like, learning how to embody more of a fluid flow state, but also incorporating discipline and structure, because the podcast is really important to me, and I think I started it because I wanted to share my thoughts and also just have a space where I can talk without worrying about what anyone thinks or anything like that. So I'm grateful to be back, and I'm excited. The sun's coming. The sun's out. I got my unicorn and a little bit of old birthday decorations. My birthday was a couple weeks ago, so happy late birthday. It's wild to believe I'm 31 years old, but I don't really feel any older, and I feel a lot wiser, and I think that's how you're supposed to feel. So today feels like a long time coming episode. I started the podcast in 2019 right before COVID so it's kind of crazy, but I've shared my. My journey through, you know, what it looks like, releasing perfectionism, showing up in front of others, being vulnerable, sharing emotions. Um, a lot of existential questions. You know, really, anything goes here. But out of the last four years, going on five, five in November. Wow. I still have never talked about people pleasing. And I think, you know, there's divine timing and guidance through everything, so it must just be the perfect time for this episode. But I was thinking, I was like, damn, it's crazy that I haven't done one about this yet because it just feels so relevant to my life and really my whole entire upbringing, which, you know, created the adult that I am today. So it's just fascinating to think about. And if you resonate with people pleasing or you're curious about it, I think this episode would be a great lesson. I wanted to talk about just what it is, why we do it, how we can become aware of it, and. And some ways we can move towards this energy of pleasing ourselves first, because, as we'll get into it, the whole idea behind being a people pleaser is putting other people's emotions and comfort before yours, and we can just get right into it, because, like, it starts from when we are young, and it starts from, you know, our earliest days of pleasing others, which is when we're children, when we're, when we're young, when we're toddlers, when we're really learning this relationship between us and our caregivers and that they meet our needs. And if you were a child of maybe people who didn't really know how to regulate their emotions or know how to communicate with the, I mean, cause realistically, like, how do you communicate with the young child? With a lot of presence and patience. But it's this idea that for some reason we connected our caregivers state of mind and state of being, an emotional state with receiving our needs. So it's like the idea is that you please the person who's meeting your needs, because then that can guarantee and assure you that your needs will always be met. Needs being like food, shelter, love, anything like that. And it all kind of starts with that. If you had caregivers or parents who always provided you your needs unconditionally, you know, whether they were pissed off or angry or sad or happy or really excited, like, you kind of develop this, this knowing and understanding that you were just always going to get your needs met. There wasn't really any fear involved. There wasn't really any, there was no connection that you had made that was like, okay, well, if they're in this mood, they're not going to feed me, or if they're in this mood, they're not going to hug me or things like that. So if you, you know, had the pleasure and the privilege of having that relationship where you just, all of your needs were always met and your caregiver's emotions didn't get in the way of receiving your needs, then you probably don't have many people pleasing tendencies, at least from that point in your life. You know, we'll get into it. But you can also develop these habits the older you get. Going back to kind of the definition of people pleasing, it's putting others needs, comfort, preferences, anything like that, before your own. And a lot of times this is actually like keeping you from truly expressing what it is you need or how it is you feel. Because it's like if I minimize my needs, then I don't have any. Or if I, I make it so that I can get by with the bare minimum, then I don't have to worry about upsetting my caregiver or the provider of my needs. And what we don't realize as children is that that's actually turning into someone else for that time. Because we're not being honest with ourselves, and we're not being authentic to who we are and what we need in that moment, because we are like, oh, well, my mom doesn't really show affection when she is upset at me. So I know that I thrive on affection. So I'm going to make sure that my mom is not ever in that bad mood, or I'm going to see how I can adjust my behavior and my needs to make it so that I can get my needs met by making sure she's in a good mood or not in the mood that she's in when she withholds love and affection. And again, like, from that early point on, we are muting ourselves and turning our. Turning down the volume on what we actually need. And, yeah, it says a whole lot. And, like, you know, this is something that I have been really just becoming aware of how I'm gonna say insidious, because it does feel like it's so. It's. It's in every single thing that I have built my personality on, because I early on, realized that if I can minimize my needs, then I can minimize the. The negative emotions of my caregivers to ensure that my needs are met. And it's just crazy, because when you're a grown up, you're just like, well, I don't remember deciding that I was just gonna be like that. And it's because it's so unconscious. It's because, as, like, children and I talk about this a lot on the podcast, like, when we look at things evolutionarily or from a survival standpoint, we chose these behaviors unconsciously because we, as, like living organisms, are just wanting to ensure our safety and our security, and that we are fed and protected and loved and. And that's all we're really focused on. And that's all we're focused on. We don't really realize the damage that is caused when we put others, like happiness or comfort, before ours. But the thing is, it's so unconscious, we don't understand that we're doing the damage. This can also trace back to if you had harsh or critical caregivers, you want to make sure that you are showing up, gaining approval, because you're making this connection that if I am good and if I am perceived as. As good and perfect and not needy or not sensitive, then my parents or caregivers will approve of me, will validate me, will love me enough to make sure that I get my needs met. And it sounds silly, but it really is like how our infantile brains are working. And I say infantile just because, like, we haven't developed logic or reason, our prefrontal cortex hasn't developed. We haven't. We are literally just, I mean, we damn near came out of the womb not that long ago, a few years ago. So we are literally just a biological organism who's still learning how to communicate. Babies cry when they want to get fed. You know, like, babies cry when they're upset. Babies cry when they want to go to sleep. That's the only way that children know how to communicate. And especially when you even get older, like, as a two or three or four or five year old, even, you're learning words. You learn how to ask for things, but you're still learning how to communicate in this very simplistic, basic way. Now, the times when this can get hairy and. And this is something that is so unconscious when we're younger as kids, is like when we start prioritizing others at the expense of our, our comfort and our safety and our, our values, our interests, really, any of that, because we start telling ourselves no to tell other people yes. We start telling ourselves no to tell our parents yes to our teachers, all of these people who are, you know, deemed higher or. And it's not that they're higher. They're just, you know, authority figures. This could be your parents, your your grandparents, your. Your friends parents, your boss, your teachers, anything like that. We tell ourselves no, which is stepping into inauthenticity, telling ourselves no so that we can tell other people yes. And this is stepping into inauthenticity because it is denying ourselves the right to how we feel, the right to comfort, you know, things like that. And as kids, we don't realize this, but it's like, over time, we continue choosing this inauthentic way of being. One day you wake up and realize 30, 40, 50 years later, oh, shit, I've I've never really chosen myself before other people. And and I think it's an important distinction to make between, like, making selfish choices between yourself, because it can look selfish choosing yourself, but it's like, when you haven't chosen yourself or prioritize your feelings your whole entire life, then, yeah, choosing yourself is gonna look selfish, but it's like, it's something we have to realize is not selfish. Prioritizing our feelings. And I think, you know, this is open to gray area. It's not always going to be black and white because I think different situations bring up different circumstances, but it's like we have to learn to disconnect this whole selfish thing. And it almost brings up the whole self care and that being selfish and choosing yourself is selfish. And it's like really just kind of breaking down this whole idea that for generations, it's like we're told, like, we're taught to prioritize others. I mean, especially as women, especially, you know, thinking of people of color trying to gain acceptance by pleasing either the systems of white supremacy or, or capitalism, and really saying no to themselves in order to ensure safety, ensure that their needs are going to get met. So really, like, when you open your eyes to everything that people pleasing entails and just the depths of how it infiltrates our human experience, it's just kind of like jaw dropping. And I think that we all deserve to, to live in a state of peace within ourselves without needing to have this fear that we are upsetting others or, you know, like, to the point where it's, it's ruling our lives. And I think I've just gotten to the point where I haven't chosen my own feelings before others in a very long time. And I think, you know, sometimes there's, there's one offs where we do choose ourselves and, and there are some times when we do choose ourselves selfishly and, and that could be separate from people pleasing. But I really just feel like there are so many of us who have built our lives based on, on caretaking for others and making sure other people are happy, usually to the expense of our emotions. Okay, so what this can look like and manifest in, like, maybe your present life, or even if you think back to your childhood being really agreeable, never saying no, kind of being afraid to say no. And that could look like, you know, if someone asks you to do something and you're afraid to say no, you're just gonna do it. Even if it means you don't have time or energy, if you are avoiding confrontation or again, avoiding no, because you don't want to upset the person that's asking you, like, if your boss was like, oh, can you work this day? Can you work these days? And it's like you're actually extremely exhausted because you've been taking care of your family, but you're afraid to tell your boss no because you're scared you're going to lose your job. And so you are like, okay, I'll do it. That's an example of people pleasing and putting others emotions before yours. And it could also look like asking for reassurance or validation, really, in any setting. And I'm thinking, like, relationships too, because that is a big sector of where people pleasing can manifest because, you know, going back to our caregivers, our partners are the people who, in some way or another, meet our needs. Now, we also have to remember that we are the ones in charge of meeting our needs. But, like, in the sense of a partner loving you or taking care of you or, you know, things like that, it's very nuanced, but we care about our partner's happiness and our partner's feelings, sometimes at the expense of ours. And I think this is kind of where it can dip into codependency, which is another podcast episode. That would be really awesome. But for the sake of brevity, this podcast is about people pleasing. But yeah, it can look like that in relationships. And again, going back to the intersectionality of things like different cultures feeling this need to be agreeable or put their needs down for the sake of security and safety, really, honestly. And it all just, like, when you think about it, it all just, like, sucks. Like, it sucks that we have these systems and, and really just these webs in our society that have been built unconsciously. Like, that's the thing. Like, it sucks, but it's unconscious. So it's like we're not aware of it until it's, like, right in our face. But it sucks that we have been so far removed from ourselves and who we are to the point where we are telling ourselves no and losing ourselves because we are so focused on other people and their comfort and their happiness, even if it means me going into a depression because I can't handle other people being upset at me. It just sucks. And it sucks that so many of us are victims of this are. What's the word? That we're just. That we're people pleasers. Like, I think it's both, like, we're victims, but we also need to take accountability for it, too, because there's no one that's gonna save us from these people pleasing tendencies except ourselves. And. And I really think, like, I don't think there's any sense in creating shame about it because we're already such. In such a, like, uh, state that shame is just going to make it worse. And. And I just want to, one, take accountability within myself to acknowledge where I show up for others before myself and ways that I can slowly start choosing myself and prioritizing my needs and my emotions and my feelings. Because really, at the gist of it is feeling like our emotions are not as important and feeling like others are more important than ours. And again, this my throat chakra is like, hello? Are you talking about scary stuff. And this really starts from when we are younger and when we're children, and we create that. That thought and that belief that his feelings are more important than mine. Her feelings are more important to mine. Their feelings are more important than mine. It is, like, connected to my safety that my feelings are not important. And as a kid, that sucks. Like, as a young adult, to develop those feelings, it doesn't even have to be an adult. I'm just thinking of kids. Like, it's just sad that kids think that and believe that and grow up thinking that their feelings aren't important and grow up thinking that their feelings don't matter and that their worries don't matter. And, you know, this is like a reclamation. I think that it's so important that us, I mean, millennials, I mean, really, it's important for all of us. Especially because I'm entering the age where I'm getting ready to be a. I'm not getting ready to be a parent. This isn't like an announcement. I'm just saying, like, I'm in my thirties. And it's just. It's just important that we are emotionally aware, because if we do decide to become a parent, like, this is where all of this is. This is where all of this starts. Because if we can show up for our kids, regulating our own emotions and helping them to see that their feelings are important, and choosing their feelings is very important, and choosing their feelings first, and prioritizing their feelings, and if you're not a people pleaser, you might think that prioritizing your feelings is selfish. But for some reason, I just feel like we are so far removed from our own feelings, and it's so connected to self worth and it's so connected to all of this. We deserve to feel our feelings, and we deserve to validate these feelings, and we deserve to live authentically with respect to these feelings. You know, so we've kind of talked about where. Where it came from and really going back again to the biology of, you know, why is it important that our needs are met? Why do we feel like it's so important that we put our feelings and emotions down to get our needs met? And it's like, when you're that young and you aren't able to meet your needs yourself, you know, like, when you're seven or younger, when you're a child, it is your parents responsibility to meet your needs and to show you, and to help you learn how to meet your own needs. And when you are in fear of your needs, not being met as a kid, the psychological impact of not having your needs met, aka potentially not surviving, that can be scary as shit. Thinking about all of that. When you create fear and needs, you will literally do anything you can to survive. And unfortunately, that has resulted in shutting down your emotions and your needs in order to keep the peace and ensure. In order to ensure your safety. If you had caregivers who were very violent and angry, then it was your priority to either stay out of the way or not piss anyone off. Because if someone started yelling, then that's a threat to your survival. If someone starts slamming doors, you have no idea what the fuck is going on. And as a child, just the psychological damage of that is just heartbreaking. And then when you feel like you need to create your whole entire state of mind in such a way that you are like, okay, well, I have to be this person and I have to tone down my feelings. Even though they're really big and I don't understand them, I have to tone it down because I don't want to get hit or yelled at or berated or, or, you know, neglected. There were parents, I I don't think that it happened to me, but I know I've heard and read books about kids saying something or talking back or getting punished. And it's like their parents don't feed them. Do you understand how scary that could be? Like, it's making me emotional right now. Like, how scary it is that you're just trying to communicate and do your best and your parent just completely denies you of a need. Like, that's so sad. It's so heartbreaking. And, and I'm not trying to go on this tirade of like, fuck parents. And I mean, still, I don't think abuse is okay, but it's like somewhere in this cycle of this unconscious patterning, something needs to end and something needs to stop because we've got people who are grown adults who are scared to speak out and to show up for themselves because they're scared they're not going to get their needs met. And they have all of these, like, past memories of the times that they weren't going to have their needs met. And it's just, it's just sad. And this is all connected. It's all. It's all connected to how we show up for these kids and how we show up for ourselves. And hopefully you probably understand about a little bit more about people pleasing and how. And like, this is me all saying this as a white person too. Like, I am the same skin color as these systems of supremacy. And I can't even imagine what it's like when your needs are, like, not met because of your skin color. And that's just. It's just all fucked up and like, it's just like this whole. I mean, going back to calling it insidious, it's just this. It's just not. It's all based on fear and not love. And. And I think bringing awareness to all this is so important because it needs to end. And we all deserve to be grown ups and adults who can live for themselves, authentically in and show up for themselves without fear of rejection or fear of survival or any of that. I mean, and maybe it's taken me so long to get to this point because I had to shut down or I had to peel away layers of my own people pleasing, and it's the end of an era. I don't know if I've ever cried on podcast. But, yeah, we're here and we're talking about it, and we're bringing awareness to it, because how else is it gonna stop? We have to bring awareness to the patterns within us and within society so that we can talk about them and put them to rest. Because. And I really do have so much faith and so much hope, because I do feel like we are learning to be more present with each other and more present as humans and more present as parents. We've talked a little bit about what it is and why we do it, have done it, learned to do it, and how it can show up in our lives. And. And now we can start to talk about how to shift away from this way of being. Like, I I had mentioned that. Well, I didn't say it, but I'm a recovering people pleaser. I feel like I'm slowly and finally beginning to realize that my feelings are important after years of putting others, especially in relationships, before mine, putting my parents before mine, my family before mine. And again, this isn't to say that we're not considering other people's feelings, because I would like to say that I'm compassionate. And sometimes I feel other people's feelings way too much. And that's the thing. We weren't taught a healthy balance. And we have to kind of restart and figure out, like, well, what does a healthy balance look like? What does it look like to be able to hold my feelings and then also consider other people's? But it's like I have to remind myself that I have spent the majority of my life holding other people's up here while mine are here, especially in relationship, because it has been connected to my self worth. And feeling like my feelings aren't worth talking about, my feelings aren't worth sharing. If I share my feelings, I will get lashed out at. If I share my feelings, I'm gonna get yelled at. If I share my feelings, love will be withheld from me. And it's like, now that I'm a grown up, it doesn't matter because I meet my own needs and my emotional needs, and I don't have to worry about if someone's going to withhold love from me, because that's their right and that's on them. But I don't have to withhold love for myself because I know that love begins inside me. And that's what we realize as, like, we peel away these layers is, like, we meet our needs and we validate ourselves and validate our emotions. And we are the ones who get to decide whether we feel love or not because our partner can say something or do something that makes us feel like we're not loved. But that's when we have to remind ourselves that that is that person's inability to hold space and it has nothing to do with me and that I have this love radiating from inside me. And that's that. And so, you know, all of this starts with the awareness. I think it starts with us talking about it, with us really realizing, like, oh, these behaviors that I've had are people pleasing, and I have people pleased my whole life. And when we can, like, really begin to ask ourselves these questions and reflect on our own personal life, where these tendencies have shown up for us and where. Where these behaviors started, and really to bring this presence with us in life on our journey every day to notice when, oh, hey, I'm actually prioritizing their comfort, even though I'm kind of uncomfortable and I'm scared to say no because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or upset. And it's like, well, are you feeling uncomfortable? Well, why don't you adjust your comfort first, and then after that, then you can see about other people. But, like, it's almost like the scales have been, like, completely this way, and we've got to, like, go back this way, like a slingshot just to, like, even just get back to, like, the middle, you know? And this is a big. Not only, like, being present with our experience, but also, like, learning to hold space for our emotions, learning to even acknowledge when these emotions are coming up. And from then, when we can get to that state, to even recognize what's happening then? That's when we can practice setting our boundaries. And a lot of times, the boundaries need to be set with ourselves because that's where the people pleasing thing is. Like, wonky with boundaries is like, we haven't learned to set the boundary of our peace first. Like, we haven't learned with ourselves. Hey, you really need to say no instead of saying yes, because the people pleaser in us is like, well, I can't say no, I have to say yes. And it's like, no, you don't. We've got to, like, come to this internal place of being able to know. Know our worth and know that our feelings matter, and to be able to set that boundary and that is. Can be very uncomfortable. But we have to choose ourselves. We have to live authentically to ourselves. Because when we live not being true to ourselves, it's like we're. It's like eating our soul, like, away. It's like picking out our soul and just, like, chipping away at who we are and the integrity of who we are. And we don't need to do that anymore. I think that a lot of fear in, like, being a people pleaser comes with upsetting others. And when you get to the point of, like, the tipping point of, oh, gosh, I'm afraid to say this because I'm afraid to upset someone else, it's like, you have to practice assuring yourself that your feelings matter and, like, that's step one, and that your feelings deserve to be heard. It's really just like going back to the neuroscience of it all. And we have just built these pathways for years and years and years. And the cool thing about science and our brains is that over time and with repetition, we can build new pathways. We don't have to go this way. We have to kind of, like, unbutton these pathways and kind of continue that repetition of unbuttoning and undoing so that we can start buttoning them this way. I hope that makes any sense. But we have the power with the beautiful resilience and malleability of. Of our brains that we can rewire and that we can continue affirming to ourself that our feelings matter. Our feelings matter. Our feelings are valid. Your feelings matter. You deserve to choose yourself. You deserve to be authentic to yourself. You deserve to feel your feelings and let people know and set these boundaries, and you deserve all of that. Period. And for people pleasers, this is gonna be really scary at first. It's gonna be really hard to. To come face to face with the realization that you have to confront someone and that you have to say no. Because we've built our whole entire lives to being afraid of saying no and to feeling like we can't say no into feeling like we have to bend over backwards for other people and choose their comfort and their peace over ours. And like I said, it's the end of an era. Like, we have just spent so much time neglecting ourselves and neglecting our spirit and our heart and our soul, and we just have to start choosing ourselves. And other people might not understand. Other people might think it's selfish. Other people might think Xyz, but in our, like, recovery of people, pleasing is like, but how do you feel? How do I feel? How do I feel taking space and allowing myself space to process my emotions? It feels really fucking good. And, you know, that's step one. That's step one. And whatever happens after that, it is what it is. But, like, we've prioritized our feelings after so long of not. And that is fucking amazing. It's amazing when you can honor yourself and honor your feelings and choose yourself, especially after an entire life of not. And again, it's gonna be scary because it's new and it could be overwhelming because you've never said no before. But it can be easier to try, like, in different circumstances. For example, if you are going to get some food and you really hate ketchup, but you don't want to upset the person, you know, say you ordered your sandwich with no ketchup, and they give you the sandwich with ketchup, it seems like a little, you know, this isn't like saying no to your parent or saying no to a teacher or saying no to the government or things like that. But it's like, it's like this little instance where you can ask the worker, because you paid for this and you asked for no ketchup, this is like a little example that's like a safe container where you can ask, hey, I asked for no ketchup. And they put ketchup on this. That's you prioritizing your comfort and your needs before others. And that's, like, a small example. And I know it sounds a little silly, but that's like, it's like how you build habits and build practices, like just little steps at a time. And doing this, like, at the store or at a restaurant or things like that, is a small, easy way. Like with strangers. It's a lot easier to say no, typically to a stranger than it is someone you know or someone whose feelings you care about. But this is a good way for you to begin prioritizing your needs and your boundaries and starting from there. And then you can get to the point where you are saying no to your partner or your friend or things like that, telling your job that you can't work a shift because you are exhausted and you haven't had a day off in three weeks or something like that, you know? And again, when it does get difficult and when it does get scary, that's important. That's when it's important to remember, to validate yourself and. And to continue to affirm that your needs matter and your feelings matter and your wellbeing matters and your comfort matters, because it matters to you, it matters to us. It's okay if it doesn't matter to anyone else, because no one else is gonna understand the way we do. And we are the person, kinda, again, going back to those boundaries, like, we are the person that it matters. Because if I believe that my feelings matter, then I'm not going to let anyone else tell me that they don't or prioritize theirs, because I'm going to begin to trust and believe that my needs matter and that my feelings matter. And I think, like, again, this is such a. It's such a gray area because for me, I feel like there is this element of empathy, and I care so much about others well being and other people's emotions. It's a trauma response. But I. I just always want to be considerate of others, and I always want to be considerate of how other people are affected and how other people feel. But sometimes this can go from, like, a community mindset to over responsibility. And then I'm, like, overbearing myself. Oh, wait, over, wait. Creating a burden of carrying other people's emotions when, like we talked about earlier, I'm responsible for my emotions. I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions because I meet my own needs. We are responsible for our emotions, not other people's emotions. We are responsible for our emotions, not other people's emotions. And this is an important distinction because we don't, in a healthy way, we don't have to sacrifice our needs. And, like, that's a whole trope that mothers have endured, because there's this idea that moms have to put their needs on the back burner to take care of everyone else, the husband, the wife, the kids. And, like, that's not to say that it's not a mom's priority to take care of the kids, because it is. But, like, to the point where the mom is sacrificing her entire well being. That's not healthy. That's overextending. And I think that, you know, this is up to us to figure out what that healthy balance is. How can we prioritize our needs while still showing up for other people? And I think it just begins with nurturing ourselves and taking care of ourselves first. Because once we begin to strengthen that muscle and begin to automatically just have this really strong relationship with ourselves and our needs and our well being, then we can slowly begin to. To branch outward and take care of others because we know how to take care of ourselves first. And I think it's just like. It's just kind of something that we have to do, and it's something that we have to move through. Because if you've never prioritized yours and then you prioritize yours, it's just, like, going to be different for a while. But again, it's just a muscle, and it's just these neural pathways that. That we have to rewire, but it's not impossible. And we can do it, and we deserve to do it, because our feelings matter. Our feelings matter, and our feelings are our responsibility, because we are the ones who are going to ensure that our needs are met. I think that this is, like, a beautiful thing to discuss with a therapist or mental health professional. Whoa. Because they. They are here to help you and support you and move through this journey, and they can really help you rewind to, you know, where all of this started or why you even feel like you needed to people please in the first place. And. And, you know, professionals can help you develop tools to be able to move through this stuff and. And grow stronger boundaries and build that connection with yourself. And I think it's so important that we kind of validate the intersectional aspects of this, too, because, you know, people pleasing is gonna look different for me as a white woman, as it is for anyone of color or a different gender identity. And I think there, it's just important to validate within yourself that your feelings matter. And it might not feel completely safe for you to do that in a public setting. But I think, again, just like continuing to nurture yourself and remind yourself that your feelings matter, because, you know, we've got these existing systems and structures that have not been made to. To nurture your feelings and to nurture the feelings of people that are not, like cis white, heteronormative people. And I do feel like these systems are changing, but in the meantime, we have to do what we need to, to take care of ourselves. And I really think that affirming to ourselves goes such a long way, no matter who you are, that your feelings are valid and important and deserve to be communicated and deserve to be shared. And to know that this relationship you have with yourself is one of the strongest that you could ever have. And it's one of the most important because we provide our own needs and we learn to take care of ourselves first. And we deserve to take care of ourselves first. In a world and in a lifetime where we have only taken care of other people, we deserve to take care of ourselves first. I'm feeling really good about that. And I'm feeling, yeah, really moved and, and really just empowered because this has been something that has not been easy for me and I mean, at least in my own identity of being a woman. Like, pleasing others is always, you know, what we're supposed to do. Pleasing, you know, in my heteronormative relationship, like, pleasing the men, that is important, you know, because back in the day, and maybe not even back in the f day, because it still exists, is like, if you talk back to your husband or your man or whoever, you could get slapped in the face and you could get hit and abused and like, again, it just sucks that, like, this is the reality we live in. But I do feel like there is a change in that. Like, us bringing awareness to this and really giving ourselves this love that we have been craving our entire lives, it's just gonna be your ripple effect. And, and when we can talk about this and when we can show up for ourselves and, and really just start to bring awareness to all this and, and really solidarity, too, because I just feel like. I just feel like the energy is shifting Pluto's move into Aquarius. It's not, it's not about, you know, egoic behavior anymore. It's about community and it's about humanity and it's about love and taking care of each other and we gotta be the change we wish to see in the world. I'm so glad I did this, and I'm so glad that you are still listening. And thank you so much for, for sticking around and being a part of this, and I appreciate you so much, and I wish you all the best. And don't forget, if you don't want to miss out on cool tarot readings, collective readings, and other podcasts, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel, embrace madness. I've also got my podcast on Apple, Spotify. And wherever you get yours, you can follow embrace of madness. And yeah, I will catch you next time. Have a great day. Bye.