Looking Back on 2023 : A Year of Unexpected Growing Pains

Yo, fam, what's up? You are tuned into the Embrace the Madness podcast. I'm your host, Madeline. I'm so glad you are here, joining me today. Thanks for being here. Thanks for clicking play. Whether you are tuned in on YouTube or your podcast platform apps, I typically use Spotify, but I know a lot of people use iTunes, Apple Podcasts, Apple Music, whichever. I'm a. Obviously, I'm an Android user. Yeah. So it's been a minute. Why do I always start my podcast like that? Generally because it has been a minute, but I feel like something not happened. But I feel like I kind of lost touch with why I started doing the podcast in the first place. And I think, in a way, it kind of led me to either freaking out a little bit or not really giving attention to it. And I just wanted to reflect on the whole of 2023, because for me, it was a weird year, and I've been hearing for a lot of other people, it's been a weird year, too. And so why not just talk about the weirdness? But I realize also today, maybe yesterday, maybe over the last few days, that I had kind of been looking at 2023 as. I'm not gonna say failure, because I've taken that out of my vocabulary, but I didn't feel good about it. And I know that we can't always feel good about everything, but what made me think about it was I was so focused on how I did musically and what I thought I was going to be doing, like, playing shows. And basically, I haven't really done much of anything that I thought I was going to do when I moved to Nashville. And my brain was so focused on that that I didn't even look at the fact that my business has grown. I've created income streams and so many wins on that level. But it's like my brain immediately went to, oh, 2023 wasn't good. And, you know, it might not even be like all of that, all of that. But I think I just have, like, a big of emotions from this past year. So if you also have a big gesturing about your emotions for 2023 or just want to hear me talk about it and reflect and maybe resonate, stay tuned. I'm just gonna go. I'm just gonna flow with it. I don't really have a script or anything that I would like to talk about other than just my experience, my experience reflecting back on the year and all of that stuff. So if you have been following the podcast me in any capacity, more than likely, you know, that I just moved to Nashville, and it kind of fell apart when we got here, and I feel like I focused a lot on that, but it's okay, too, because when your housing situation comes apart, I think it's okay when your security and your safety is kind of up in the air. So that all happened. Our house was flooded, and it just felt. We were just so excited about, you know, you want to be in good spirits. Like, oh, we're moving. It's going to be great. It's going to be all of this. You have all these expectations in your head. Well, immediately, we were humbled. We were living with our friend, thankfully, and it was just. It was crazy. It only lasted for about a month. We were able to move into our current spot about, I think, the last weekend of January or the turn of February. So that all worked out. But it definitely just like, it felt like a crash landing. And I think in my brain, I'm like, great. 2023 is off to a great start. You know, even my brain can be like that. And it's something that I'm being more mindful of and aware of and checking in with because, you know, as much as we heal and as much as we progress, we are still humans at the end of the day. And so we're gonna fall and we're gonna make mistakes and. And all of that. So really just having that as the basis for the beginning of the year, I was really sad. I was really depressed, probably for more reasons than one, but I was just not in a space to want to create, to want to socialize, to really want to do anything. And I think I had just gone through such a dramatic change that life was just new and different and hard for a while. I don't really think I came out of it until maybe the summer. Honestly. Honestly, it's taken me all year to get out of it, and I had to come to terms with that pretty early on. That's not to say that I, you know, felt good about it the whole time, but it was definitely a year of, well, you're here and you kind of have to meet yourself there. So, yeah, this is just my moment of silence, 2023. Because when I rewind, it's just like, my jaw just continues to drop. Just so many things that I had expected to be or expected to do or even expected to go. All of this just felt like it just, like, turned into ashes. My hand, like, you know, when you're, like, holding it, it's just like, it just, like, burns up in front of your face. And that is hard to bounce back from when you have unmet expectations, unmet needs, and it doesn't happen. It doesn't come through. The typical natural response is frustration and anger and sadness and all of these emotions that are difficult to process and talk about. And I think that was another thing that I had kind of realized over the past couple of days is just I already. It takes me time to be able to process and talk about, or at least talk about difficult emotions. I think it's so easy to talk about being happy and feeling free and excitement and all of these things, but if we weren't given space when we were younger to process these heavier, more complicated feelings, then it's going to be a little bit more difficult to talk about them and outwardly express them as we get older unless we bring awareness to that and heal that part. So that was, like, another part of this past year that kind of made sense to me. But I mean, I feel like maybe not specifically my life, but maybe specifically my life is just, like, figuring out how to talk about the heavy, deep stuff. And if you know me, I always. I love living here. So very pisces of me, but I'm learning how to be fluid in moving through emotions, but not always living there. We don't have to, like, just be there. And I think because I was in that kind of space, just that emotional, gooey, gooey, gooey, I needed to be there and deal with it. And I think being sober from alcohol is a huge part of that. I know typically this is all, like, coming to me, realizing right now. I think when I had processed depression and sadness and things like that in the past, I drank about it, and I did lots of other things about it. And maybe. Maybe this year was like, here you need to feel all this stuff that you've just been kind of, like, shoving, and here we are. So that's all that. Where are we? I guess we're kind of in the summer. The summer was good. I went to music festivals. I got out more. I think summer is a better time for us all to kind of come out of our shell or wherever we're hiding. I mean, and that's what I keep coming back to, too, is like, it's okay that I was really sad, and it's okay that I had to be there. I think so much we weigh how we respond to things, and if it's not the way that we thought we would or we respond negatively or. Yeah, in a way that we. We're not planning on it, that's a little disorienting. And through myself and my family, I think there is this, well, you can't be sad. You can't not be productive. You can't not have your stuff together in a way. And so I think coming to terms with being sad and coming to terms with things feeling like they're not working out the way you thought they would sucks. And it's okay that it sucks. It's okay that it didn't work out. Just because some things didn't work out, though, doesn't mean that others didn't. And that's where I've kind of been, like, rewinding, because I'm like, oh, well, I didn't do all these things, but I did all of these things, and I've been wanting to do all these things, and these things have been stepping stones to get me to where I want to be. And you're completely missing all the stepping stones. And, whoa. It's also been this, like, huge reflection, too, of these patterns that I have and this pressure that I put on myself to immediately succeed, to immediately do things correctly, the right way, perfectly. I'm still, you know, figuring out where. Where these thoughts come and come from and these ideas. But they weren't lying when they said this year was about reflection. And sometimes looking in the mirror, like, freaking, we don't want to do it. And it's crazy because I'm, like, rewinding to, I did an end of the year reading for myself, and it was literally like, hermit and mirrors, dude. Tarot's crazy in the best way. But if you feel like you had a hard year, too, I think it's important that we hold space for that. And I know it doesn't go along with the whole new year, new me, everything's great, we got a new year, blah, blah, blah. And that's not to say that's wrong. It's just, it's okay to process the hard stuff. In fact, we have to process the hard stuff. We have to talk about the hard stuff, because if we don't talk about the hard stuff, then it stays inside. And when it stays inside, it doesn't get communicated. And what I'm learning about emotions in my own experience is they are just these responses that we have to things that just need to be expressed. Now, I think that at least I want to express my things, my emotions in a healthy, safe way. I'd rather not lash out at people. And I'm learning how to process things internally in a calm, calm manner. Yeah, I just come from a lot of yelling in the past, and yelling is something that I don't want to do. I'm really, really aware of how I respond to things and really intentional about how I respond to things after experiencing the emotions. And, you know, when we're healing through a lot of this, sometimes silence and not saying anything is the only way we know how to in that moment, because we're like, hey, I'm going through something really difficult and challenging, and if I talk about it right now, I'm going to say something hurtful or. Yeah, and that's just where I've been in terms of all that. And we were talking about 2023, and I kind of got. Got lost. But, yeah, if you. I'm, like, looking at a dabbing unicorn. Wait, wait. That's energy for 2024. Yeah. If you have been having a hard time putting closure on 2023, you're not alone. And it was a crazy year. It was a wild year. I think so much happened globally that we're kind of in flight or flight, trying to process more trauma and more feeling like the world's crumbling around us. And so that mixed in with our own internal experiences has been a whirlwind. And it's so important that we let ourselves have space to process the weird and the heavy and the complicated. And we have to remember that not everybody can hold that. And that's okay. It doesn't make them a bad person, and it doesn't make them, like, we don't have to get angry at them because they can't hold space. That's something that we have to come to terms with. That's why it's so important that we are really intentional with who we surround ourselves with and who we choose to share information with. If we don't feel safe, then it's important that we keep things to ourselves or really build that trust with someone before we share. And, yeah, if you need to process your weird year, just put this podcast on and do it while you're listening or just put it on mute so you can do whatever you need to do. But it's okay when things don't happen the way you thought that they would because, you know, maybe they're meant to happen in another way. Something I have definitely learned this year, too, is that not everything is going to be or unfold in the time that I want it to. And we have to kind of come to an acceptance with that, because if we're, like, trying to force a timeline or force something to happen, in my experience, it doesn't. It doesn't work out, and I just get pissed off and frustrated. So, yeah. What do you think about your year? What do you think? Do you feel good about it? Do you feel weird about it? Do you. Are you excited for 2024? Are you excited to close the door in 2023? Are you really going to miss it? You know, all of these are important questions to ask, and if you feel like you have someone that you can share your answers with safely, then totally. Journaling is always a safe place. Something that you. Only you get to read. Really checking in, too. If I had a weird year, were there any good things that happened that maybe I forgot about? I had one of the most incredible experiences at Wakan, one of the music festivals I go to so much that, like, I feel like that should outweigh all of the bad stuff that's happened. But, you know, my brain is human, and the bad. The worst parts come up or what I thought, and it's like. It's just crazy sometimes the way we think about things or process things or hold ourselves to these standards, at least if you have, you know, experienced perfectionism or feeling like, you know, maybe as a kid you couldn't really impress your parents or get their attention or things like that. If you. Yeah. Struggle with. Struggle with, like, burning yourself out and doing things to the absolute, like, 110%, but not really checking in with how you're doing or things like that. And know that these experiences have been teaching us a lot about ourselves, about how we respond to things, about how we respond to others, about how we respond to unmet expectations. You know, all of these, again with the mirrors. Like, it's times like these and these experiences that show us who we really are. And like we were talking about earlier, sometimes the last thing we want to do is look in the mirror. But I had a lot of growing to do. I had. I'm just freaking laughing because, yes, yes, yesteryear was just a year for the books. Like, WTF? I mean, I got a backbone in dealing with a lady, you know, like you. I'm not about to get walked all over. That is past stuff. Not anymore. And I had to learn to show up when things got really effing hard and really scary and how to hold space for other people in. In the midst of really hard and scary emotion situations. And I learned how to navigate conflict even though I didn't really want to or expect to. But, you know, again, like, sometimes things like, you're walking down a path and sometimes, you know, a frog will jump or, you know, something what am I trying to say? Something finds it. You find yourself. What in the world? Something disappears on the path or falls on the path, and you either have to step over it or kick it off to the side or pick it up and throw it or walk around it. That's just the inevitable part of life. And I can focus on how much of an inconvenience it was to have to step around things. Or I can say, well, thank God I had that experience, because that helped me know, you know, that this is poisonous, or know that you need to jump over this. You know, like, where can we find lessons out of these weird experiences? And I know, like, sometimes we're like, why does there have to be a lesson in everything? And I don't think it's that. It's. I think, one. It's really important that you process, like, if something traumatic or scary happened, it's important for you to process those feelings and to validate yourself and to acknowledge that weird shit happened. And, you know, the grieving process, the emotional process, is so unique to us as individuals. And it's okay if it takes time for you to move through these. These things and process these emotions. It's like grief. Like, we can't expect ourselves to grieve in a linear timeline. Just like how it's. Yeah, we shouldn't expect ourselves to process through different emotions, because, again, we all have such unique experiences that there might. It might be. There might be more there. You might have gone through something that maybe someone else hasn't necessarily experienced, and you might need a little bit more TLC. I know it's, like, easier said than done, because we've grown up in a society that prides you on being at peace or, like, a relaxed composure or not being emotional, especially for people who identify as women, people who have been told that they were too sensitive, all of that. I don't even remember what I was talking about. But, yeah. And it's gonna take time. You know, like, we can't just be like, oh, well, 23 2023 is over. What are the lessons? Like? If we went through hard shit, it's okay to, like, process that. It's important. If we had a hard year, it's okay that we had a hard year. It's okay that it's not what you thought it was gonna be. Oh, yeah. We were talking about, like, society's expectations, our timeline, and our. Where we are on our individual path is so. Is so right for us. And there's just some things that we can't understand until we have that retrospect something that I have been realizing and trying to remember, because when you're deep down and it's hard, but it's like you can't see the forest for the trees. We did a cool experiment on that in college, but it's like you're. You have tunnel vision because you're so focused on looking down and you can't see anything else around you except what you're doing right now. And sometimes you gotta step back, and sometimes you have to, like, take a couple steps back because we're not always gonna see the picture when we're deep in it. We're not always going to see the benefit of a year until it's been a few years. You know, there are so many seeds that got planted this past year that it's just not something that I'm, like, trained to focus on. My brain is really trying to create safety for me, and it's like, here's all the ways that you messed up or didn't do things right. Check these out so you can fix them, and that way we don't make those mistakes again. And that is something that I've been processing also. Just like, okay, well, my perfectionism stems from trying to be perfect, to be loved, and I don't have to do that anymore because I am my own person and I can be there for myself regardless. I meet my own needs, and I can trust that I will meet my own needs and I'm safe right now. And that's also a lot easier said than done, you know, like, that is just going to continue to come up, but as we heal and as we learn to show up for ourselves, it will get easier and easier and easier. Oh, I can feel that in my throat. Yeah. I've been feeling, like, tension in my neck and my throat, and I could even hear it as I'm saying all this. But I remembered that, like, my podcast was a lot about sharing my feelings and my thoughts. And I think since this past year has been so challenging and difficult, I haven't wanted to show up and to be heard, and. And that is something that I have to sit with and, you know, ask questions about. I feel like I'm a deep person, and if you know me and you have been following, like, you know that. And sometimes the deep stuff is scary to talk about, and something that I'm really focusing on right now in my life is, where am I afraid to be seen, and what is my relationship to being seen? I feel like this whole video stuff has probably completely changed my relationship with being seen, but in the best way. And, you know, that's another plus that came out of this year. I started doing YouTube and video podcasts, and all that I was saying was, you know, there are going to be things that I want to talk about that are scary to talk about, and I just want to continue showing up because I know that it's helpful for me and I, you know, it warms my heart that I can share how my experiences have impacted me. And then this in turn, helps you through your own experience. So that's really. That's really why I started the podcast and why I would like to continue doing the podcast. And, yeah, this year has definitely shown me a lot. I've deepened my connection to spirit source. I've done more tarot this year, which has been incredible. I know I always wanted to do it without the book, and I could do it without the book, but, yeah, I'm excited for the year to be over. I'm holding space for what last year was and who I was and who I needed to be. And it does almost feel like I'm returning to the same point, just a different energy, because I was not the same person as I was last year. I entered the new year last year just, like, numbed out. And this time I feel a little bit more aware, a little less numbed out. No, I'm definitely not numbed out. Yeah, I think I'm just. I feel like the fool at the beginning of the journey. I'm just like, I'm just here for the ride. And that's what I've learned this past year, too, is to just continue showing up for the ride and showing up doing just a little bit, even when it's hard. And pretty soon you'll realize you have a whole YouTube channel of things and cool stuff. And, yeah, I bet there's a lot of cool shit that you did this year. I bet there's so much cool shit. And I take some time to find out what that was. Write it down. I bet. I bet you can come up with three things that you achieved this past year, and I don't even like the word achieved that you did. Let this past year be the one where we learn to give ourself grace, give ourselves space, give ourself love, trust the process, deepen the relationship we have with ourself, because that's what I'm learning is, like, the deeper and closer relationship I have with myself. Like, I can do anything. Same for you. When you really get to know who you are and how you move through life and how you can do things better. Everything changes. Oh, my nose is getting itchy. But yeah, I think that's all probably I want to share. Just be sweet to yourself. We're being sweet to ourselves in 2024. Little by little, if you still are needing to wanting to reflect on this past year, even process it at all. I'm doing end of the year readings. If you are interested in buying one of those, you can message me. And if you're not following me on Instagram, you can follow me there and dm me to get a reading. My instagram is bracethemadness, so emb r a c e t h e m a d ness underscore. And yeah, you can dm me that you would like to purchase a reading. I'm also doing month head readings, so if you want to look and see how January is, then check that out. Oh, my nose is so itchy now. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed this episode and I'm excited for the new year. I'm excited to show up on the podcast and continue talking about things that are important and things that bring me joy and things that I'm passionate about. So thanks for being here, thanks for being on the ride, and I will catch you later. Bye.