Revolutionary Optimism : Where My Heart + Soul Have Been Since 2020

Foreign. Hi everyone. Welcome. Hello. I feel like it's been so long, but in some cases it's like we're just picking up right where we left off. Hello. Welcome to Embrace the Madness. I have just been in the throes of. I don't. I guess going down memory lane is a way to describe it. But yeah, I've just been really looking at all my old posts. If you've been following me, you saw I have been reposting all of my original blogs on my sub stack, which is wild and incredible to think about because yeah, sometimes you just forget what you did 10 years ago and you're like, oh, wow, I said that. Oh, okay. No, but a lot of the blogs still ring true. So it's. It's incredible to see my own growth from. From then to now and to really feel embodied in a lot of the stuff I was talking about. I mean, heck, I was like, still technically. Well, I had just graduated college, so, you know. Yeah. Oh my goodness. It's just wild to think about. It's like I'm living in such a different reality now that that stuff feels like lifetimes ago. But yeah, I was just getting ready to what I thought would be prepare for graduate school and my life just took a hard right turn and I got really into spirituality and started reading a bunch of personal development and Buddhism books and my life just kind of changed. And then I. Well, then Covid happened. Well, a lot of stuff happened and then. But yeah, you just got to go back and read the blogs and go down memory lane with me because they are a treat. And yeah, I'm just grateful to be able to have the. Not the receipts, but the receipts, the. The books. I'm just grateful to have the records. And I mean I had all my blogs saved, but now I get to put them on substack so they can live on the Internet again. Because I'm on the hunt for another website and I really, really want embracethemadness.com I just have to budget accordingly because she's a little more than $12. I just say that because $12 is like how much you can usually buy a domain for. But I'm not giving up. I will own that domain one day. Yeah, so I 1am in the house. We just had a wild ice snowstorm and if you live in the southeastern United States, you have probably been in the house too. But the sun finally came out today and everything. I mean it's still sub freezing temperatures, but I feel like the weather lady right now. It's still cold, but the sun is doing something, and that is so incredible. We actually lost our power yesterday. We woke up to no power. And fortunately, our house didn't get. I think the lowest it got to was maybe 55 before the power was coming back on. And I'm grateful that we have music festival and camping outside without electricity experience, because that could have been way, way worse. And I'm just sending love and warmth and energy and power to everyone out there who has also been navigating this because it was just weird. And, you know, it's not every day you're locked in the house. And when we lived in Memphis, we actually didn't have that many times where we got snowed in. But before we moved, we actually did have a really, really big snow day, I think. And then at some point, we had a boil advisory. So we've been through a lot. I'm so grateful to Davis, my partner, because holy cow, going through this by yourself is. Would be a lot. And I'm so grateful to him because he just loves taking care of us. And he went on the front porch to. To heat up and boil some water with. It's called like a jet boil, but you can plug in some propane. Or is it isobutane? I can't remember. But, yeah, just heating up, heating up, boiling some water and some breakfast for us, like a little sweetie. But, yeah, I'm so grateful. Our cats were definitely probably like, what the is going on? Every time I would pet them, their fur was, like, cold. So I'm just grateful they had fur because if they were a hairless kitty, they would be freaking out. But I definitely want to either buy a sweater for them or make one, because, I don't know, it would just be so cute and then little booties or something. But. But yeah, so that kind of precedes this podcast. I've just been. Well, yesterday, with the power out for 15 hours, we basically didn't have electricity or WI fi. So, yeah, we went analog yesterday. But I've been trying to get back into Reading, so I really didn't feel like I was too put out. But it totally freaking begs the question of, like, what do we do when the Internet goes out? What happens if you have an online business? What happens to our whole online community and connection when we don't have Internet or cell service or, you know, things like that? And I am in no way a doomsday prepper. I like to think I have some optimism, but I do have some realism and I do have a practical Nature. So, yeah, it just. I don't know if I have any answers yet. And obviously I think an answer is like in person community. And we're still building that and we're still growing that. But yeah, it's just. And I don't even want to go down like a conspiracy pathway because I will. I will literally. But yeah, I don't, I don't want to talk about that today. But what I did want to talk about was, and this really feels like a long time coming episode. But just what the heck I've been doing these last few years. And I mean, I've still been posting on the Internet and stuff, but there's just been happening so much internally for me that I haven't really taken the time to talk about and share. And I think a lot of that is because I have had to do all this work with myself. I mean, this is not something that someone else can do for me. This is something that only I can do. And so it's taken me time and it's taken me a lot of reflection and awareness and grace and forgiveness and it's just. Yeah, there's so freaking much that has happened and I wanted to talk to you about it and share just a little bit of my inner world and really what. Yeah. Has been going down. So I guess, let's see. Well, yeah, I talked about us moving to Nashville. We moved to Nashville, which is effing crazy. Three years ago this weekend. I think maybe not this weekend, sorry, New Year's weekend. It was like when it had turned 2022 to 23. Yeah. So we were in Nashville the beginning of 2023 and you know, our freaking house flooded and was frozen, pipes and blah, blah, blah. And again, that feels like an eternity ago. And so we got to Nashville and yeah, you know, you move to a new city, you kind of have to restart and just looking for work and things like that. And I had started my business and I feel like around that time I was maybe still figuring out what to offer and still learning so much about business because I am not a business background person. You know, I thought I wanted to go to grad school and then I took that hard right turn and started following a bunch of creators, a bunch of women who started working for themselves and were really doing a lot of inner work and building businesses to support others and support community. And I was just like, holy. I feel like this is like a career path that I never knew was possible or heck, I don't even know if it even still exists. But I was like, well, I'm just going to start. Start where I am. And I guess I'll go back a little bit, like before we moved to Nashville. And I feel like I've shared this. I think I made an episode about, like, grieving your past self or something, and definitely wrote a blog about it, but I was going through so much darkness and just feeling so lost and empty in 2021. And that's because 2020 was crazy and we lost a really, really important family member, and I had gotten pulled over. And I don't even know if I've told that story on the Internet. But, yeah, I, like, had to go on probation for weed. And it was just A, stupid, but B, just rock bottom city. And yeah, I mean, what do you do from rock bottom? You really have nowhere to go but up. And so I. That's when I started really, really diving into music. And that's when I had my radio station and. And I hadn't yet started. Well, oh, okay. I started my Patreon. So I hadn't really, like, legally started my business yet, but that had been going on. I don't know if you can hear Franklin. He's, like, climbing in the closet, meowing. I'm in the living room because this has the best acoustics for recording, but you might have a little feature from Cat. And so I don't think I legally started my business till 2023. Yeah, it probably would have been when we started moved to Nashville. And I wanted so badly to not have to work another job again because that is something that Covid taught me and really pursuing my creative passions. I was just like, oh, if I had the option to do what I love, I do not want to work for someone else and do work that I don't enjoy. And I love serving. I love service that is like a part of me and a part of my soul that I will never be able to kill because it's a part of me and I don't want to kill it. But the idea of working for someone else under someone else's rules or schedule really, really was starting to, like, get my gears turning. And also, I had quit drinking alcohol that November 2022. Or October. I think it was October. And so I wouldn't know it yet, but I am so freaking neurodivergent, it's not even funny. Never actually gotten professionally tested to see if I'm on the spectrum, but if you have ever heard of Audi hd, it's like ADHD plus autism. I really think that that is Me. But I only would have figured all this out because I quit drinking. And I think that drinking really masked a lot of that neurodivergence. But I might be sounding like I'm going in circles now, but I'm just trying to build the context and build the chronological order to get us to where we are today. So I just wanted my business to work so bad, and I wanted to get rich and be able to pay all my bills for my business. And if you have ever done business, you know that that is so not sustainable, especially not having supplemental income to help you get your business off the ground. And that is something that took me a long time to realize, because I guess maybe the perfectionist side of me was like, well, I want my business to work, and I want it to only work, and I don't want to have to work another job. And I think by the time we moved to Nashville, I was honestly burnt out from serving and hospitality. So I was very indignant, and I was like, I'm not getting a restaurant job. And I didn't. And granted, I got other jobs that, you know, allowed me to be reminded of my other skills, but I still just had that underlying resistance working for someone else. And I think it might be called pathological demand avoidance. It's like, where you get, like, angry or, like, overwhelmed when people ask you to do things or ask you to. Yeah, just do things, like, be at this place or, you know. And it, like, got to the point where I was like, okay, well, you're scheduled to work. And I'm like, well, I don't want to go. I just don't want to go. And so I was, like, having to navigate all of these feelings and a little bit of shame, a little bit of feelings of failure. You know, so many things come up when. When we go through things like that. And, like, it was just hard financially when we moved here. And it wasn't because Nashville was expensive. It was just because I literally didn't have any income coming in. And so I guess around 2023, I had legally started my sole proprietorship. And for anyone who wants to start a business, it's literally free. You can start it. You will have to file, like, taxes and stuff based on your income, but you don't have to pay like you do for an llc. So it's, like, great for just when you're starting. So I had started that, and I was offering tarot readings. I saw this amazing creator who I love dearly. Eliza Day. She would get on TikTok live And freaking just do tarot readings. And I have never felt so seen and validated just by what she shares and the messages that she shares. And so I was like, holy, she's literally making money doing what she loves, sharing her gifts on the Internet. I want to do that. And granted, I still had to like get a job. I had found a job over the summer that would, that I would be at for like a year. It was kind of like gig work. So I was kind of taking my first venture into 1099 work, which is different from W2 work. And that is like where you are an independent contractor, you're making your own schedule and things like that. So I was doing that and really wanting to get my tarot and my business off the ground. And yeah, I was doing that and 2023. And then I broke down and I was like, I need money and I need to just freaking quit being stubborn and go get a restaurant job. Oh, and I got a restaurant job. And this job was horrible. And it also felt like a very full circle job for me because I had. I don't know if it was 10 years, but it was close. But it reminded me of my very first serving job ever, like out of high school. So it was cool because I was like, oh, I've grown so much and blah blah, blah, blah, blah and whatever. Well, that job was not good for me. And that is another piece of the neurodivergence that I feel like comes out too is like if something's not acting out of integrity or someone is not doing right by others, or people are still making dumb ass jokes and just really joking under the guise of condescension and teasing. I hate that shit. And I was working with people who were teasing people. And yeah, I'm sensitive. So it's one thing if you're teasing me, but it's another thing if you're teasing someone who doesn't have the capacity to fight back or really know what you're talking about. And I just, I was there probably like literally a month or 90 days because I went to talk to the owner and I was like, hey, this is up and this is wrong. And they're like, well, you know they're joking, right? And I was like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. Because that is just like a value that I'm learning. That is just something that I have to operate in or I don't feel good in my body. If we are acting out of integrity for what we're saying, we're doing or who we're saying we're being and then we're not. That is not okay with me. And I don't wish to go down that road. And I sure as heck don't want to be working for someone whose values that I don't align with. And yeah, that was wild. But I really rediscovered that I enjoyed serving and remember that I had like 10 years of serving experience by that time. So like, I was able to remember this whole side of me that loves serving others and providing others with a great experience and bringing joy to others. So that was able to kind of rekindle those feelings. And I. My other job was like in the music entertainment industry. So that was cool to be able to see that side of things. Now what else? I think it was around. Yeah, that winter. Yeah, we. I still. I mean, I didn't really have a job lined up after that serving job. So I was like. And I'm so thankful to Davis because he literally financially supported us for. For several years. And you know, that is. It can be really straining on a relationship. And we both come from, I mean, heck, I feel like we all come from kind of weird, weird backgrounds and upbringings around money. And you know, what was interesting was a lot of the readings. Cuz I think when I had so much time off I was like, oh well, maybe there is an element to video podcasting or maybe I can now do my YouTube channel. And Davis has always been so supportive of me and he's always like, let me get you this gear, let me get you these microphones. I'm actually using a microphone that he helped me get and had helped me get like a video camera that was really good quality. And so, yeah, around that time of like that summer, all my readings were. Were like geared around really looking at our relationship with work and, and money and. And how we feel like we have to do certain things because we need money or feel like we have to work. And I was also just having all of these realizations probably, you know, continuing to not drink is only me unmasking. Further unmasking is like taking off all these layers and masks essentially that I had put up to shield me from criticism or pain or anything like that because I am so sensitive. And I was just realizing that we are just animals living in nature too. And we are a part of this system. And we have been in our grandparents and our parents and our great grandparents have been a part of this system. Basically since America has existed, we have been a part of this system. I guess maybe Like Industrial Revolution. But we've been a part of this system that we feel like we have to be a part of working these jobs, doing these things because we need money to survive. And this can go, you know, as deep or whatever as you want. And I've never really been in corporate. I think I, I think the closest thing to corporate I did was a long ass time ago back in my college days. It would have been like my first maybe 2011 or 2012 because I got depressed and had to basically be let go. But I was doing like web design for the University of Memphis. And yeah, I was so depressed I like missed work a lot in school. And that was a, that was a dark time also. Another bottom, if you will. And yeah, I just have never been in corporate, so I don't really get it. But it's just like, seems so crazy that we work 40 to 50 hours a week to get a paycheck to maybe to be able to afford insurance that we are told that we need, otherwise we're going to get sick and die basically because of all the things that we are fed and the way stress and the news and dark things are just projected on us. And I know I said I wasn't going to go down a conspiracy path, but this whole podcast could be considered a conspiracy, I guess. But you know, we're all living our different lives and what's true for me is true for me. And it may resonate with you and if it doesn't, that's okay and it doesn't have to. But I'm just shining a light for the people who think like me and experience reality similarly and parallelly to me parallelly. But anyways, I was just having all of these realizations of just like how we are sold this idea that we have to work for other people. And it's just, that's the way it is. Like we have to wake up and go to work, not to mention we have to wake up even if we're exhausted just to go get the bread or, you know, and it's like literally we have to go to work so that we can put literal bread and literal groceries on the table for ourselves and our family. But it's like, how did we get in this like, up relationship to where like, you know, workers and us, we are the workers who basically have their rights taken away in the name of making a living. And if you have ever also had these thoughts, you're not crazy and you're not alone and it is not natural and it is up, but yeah, those had just been like. And you know, this could put me as a target employee. Not literal target. Also target. Like a target employee. Because I am not okay with the system and I am not down to just play by the rules. And if you are neurodivergent, this might make sense to you because I feel like it's like, yeah, the. The longer. The longer I move away from my quit day for alcohol, it's like the more my neurodivergence increases. I just see a huge bird outside. And if you have quit drinking and had that happen to you, then maybe that makes sense. But I could be considered a problem employee because I do not like when things are out of integrity and because I have that as a value. I sure as heck try to look in the mirror every day and. And make sure that I am also living out of integrity because it makes me feel sick to my stomach to lie or to act out of integrity and especially to cause harm outside of me. And so let's see. Where are we now? Yeah, so this is kind of the context. And then what happens? What else? What else? Oh, yeah. So we move into 2024. I. It's so funny. I, you know, am huge into the law of attraction and creating our reality and doing so in a practical way while also staying grounded and connected to the real world. So I was like, let me just make a list. Let me just make a list of what I'm looking for in my next job. If I have to get a freaking job while I'm building my business, then so be it. I am tired of being broke and I'm tired of my indignant causing a strain on my relationship because I love my partner and I don't ever want him to feel that way or feel like. Yeah. So I made a list. I wanted it to be close to my house. I wanted to be treated with respect. I wanted to make a lot of money. And what else? I wanted it to be fun and easy. And I think that might be at least a lot of the list there. There could have been more, but I didn't. I just. I just wanted it to be close. I didn't have a car at the time. And lo and behold, after many months of being on indeed and all of the freaking stupid employment apps. And I think that's like a lot of where my rage came from because I was like these. The job market is just like, I'm just not. I've just learned to not be like a settling person. Like, like at that restaurant, like, I could not I could not, I absolutely could not stay in a place where my values were not, you know, in alignment. And I'm also, you know, at a point where I understand that not everyone's going to be in alignment with me. And that's, you know, everyone has their own free will. But for me personally, for my own personal well being, I had to make those choices for myself. So I found a job that I was okay with. It was restaurant. So I got to go back into that. That's also when we got our kitties, which was amazing. That's also when I mustered up the courage to write a letter to a group of people who I called friends who had different values than me. And I had to write a letter that completely shattered me, that I just was not in a space to be able to be around them. And that was really fucking hard for me. And I'm still processing that and I still am learning how to show up online despite all of that, because I never want to cause harm outside of myself. But then there's also that element of like, well, you're internally causing harm and you're, you're, you're the one who's harming yourself. So I had to really, really, yeah, go there. But I had gotten a job again. I was making money again, thank God, because somebody had to feed the cats. I told it in my story, my podcast a few episodes ago. But like, we had gotten a couple of cats and one of them was pregnant. And you know, to. At this day and age now we have four cats. So they need food and they need litter and they need support and stuff. So I'm just so grateful I was able to find a job that I could do. And yeah, I was just going through so much that year because I was really to learning how to choose myself and choose the boundaries that I needed to set and choose to enforce those boundaries. And yeah, I was just a different person when I quit drinking alcohol. And it's like we form these relationships with people from a different perspective or a different context of where we are in life. And sometimes things change and shift and yeah, it's so important that we check in with ourselves and honor ourselves first. Because if you are also a recovering people pleaser, you know that we tend to pour from an empty cup. And I couldn't keep doing that. And you know, I'm also human and I make mistakes and I inevitably cause harm to others despite trying not to. And it's like that is something also, as a highly sensitive person that you have to come to terms with and not beat yourself up even more, because at the end of the day, we're just trying to take care of ourselves, and we're doing it in the way that we know how. And so 2024, I was just. I felt like I. I mean, I was the one in charge of my voice, but I had to be the one to bring my voice back online. And I think 2024 was just so raw for me that I did not know how to. And I think I got a podcast episode about people pleasing out in April, and then silence. And that was literally the extent of how safe I felt talking and speaking and showing up online. And thank goodness for music, because that is when I was able to go deep to my own world in a world that didn't necessarily need words or lyrics. And I finally was like, what if I try to process these feelings through music and process all this grief and this anger and this sadness through music? And so basically, 2024 was us just building our life from the inside, and we grew our plants. I started, like, a little mini succulent garden and really learning how to not only take care of myself, but to learn how to take care of other organisms and learn about them and their cycles and also how to continue to grow and even propagate to create new life. And that was such a freaking cool element of my life because I not like a hyper fixation, but I was just able to really just focus on my own world. And I am a Virgo rising. So I love my Earth energy. And that really helped me tap back into my love for nature and plants when I just felt like everything in my external world was chaotic and I didn't want to be there. And, yeah, it was just such a fun little experiment. And everybody's growing now. I actually have a lot of cactus propagations that are growing. Yeah, I'll have to post it on the Internet, because it really has been pivotal in just, like, being able to keep something alive to continue to grow and watch its cycles and see how you can use different variables like sun and water to help their growing conditions. And that really helped me create context for, like, taking care of our own selves. And if we are also this part of nature, then how do we use different variables to create better living conditions for ourselves and growing conditions, too? And if you hear a cat, it's because I got cats. Yeah, they're all just being cute. And I got some bird noises playing. But, yeah, so we had just been getting back into work and. And really just building our family. From within. And I think it's like, as you get older, you really realize that you are, you know, separating from your initial family unit, and you do grow a new family, and you still have your. Your immediate family, but it's like you become your new immediate family. And so we were really building that and learning how to cultivate that and really cultivate a life that we wanted to live. I think for me, personally, I have just. It felt like only ever had a life of chaos and, you know, externally and internally, but also just, yeah, childhood, teenage years, call. I mean, it all just felt like chaos and. And we have literally created, like, our own sanctuary just of stillness and quiet and peace and nature and not doing things out of force and not doing things because we think we have to, and really just like, what do we want to do and what do we want to create and really learning that it's okay to go slow and all of these things. And I think all of that time not working really helped me to create a lot of spaciousness to ask these questions. And it was hard, and it was a lot financially, but it's like, what's the cost of really getting time for yourself and your family and getting to start over and what else? So that was kind of 2024. And, yeah, that was really when I did went deeper into music. And it's like by. By then, I had been producing since, like, 2019ish. But, you know, I've always had my two passions that I bounce back and forth, so it's not like I have ever just done music every day, the only thing. And so my process might have been a little bit slower or things like that, but I would definitely say more intentional. And I don't remember everything that happened in 2024, but I. I do know that's when I was really, really wanting to build up in Nashville, because, I don't know, I. I'm a big believer in. We create our reality through beliefs that we have. And so I really wanted to make sure that my beliefs going into the Nashville music scene were supportive. And I. I knew from my work in 2021 that a lot of my initial beliefs around music were that, like, nobody cared and nobody wanted to listen and that the music I made was stupid. And, you know, like, you can only imagine how these beliefs would go on to make me feel really shitty about music and expressing myself. So I had to move through a lot, and I really wanted to be intentional about everything when we moved to Nashville, so I just wanted to focus on music and Building that foundation and what else? I mean, if it was important, it would stick out in my brain. But I do think that was the year that I booked my first show in Nashville, well after the one in Goddess Awakening a couple years ago. But I played a show and I actually opened for Alley Cat, too, that. That winter, which was huge for my career. And it's so cool to be able to see where Aleey Cat is now and going on tours all over and really sharing her voice and her music and such an inspiration for me because, you know, as I shared, having these feelings where I feel like my voice doesn't matter and my voice hurts others and things like that, sharing my truth, like, I was just going through a lot, and it was like the turn of 2025, and I really wanted to put some music out. And I think, like, I had made some money from Tarot readings the year before, but I was just like, I am kind of burnt out. And that also, like, lends another thing, too, of, like, well, if you are doing what you love as a career, you don't want to burn out and you don't want to lose that joy and that passion that you have for the things that you used to love. And I think I had just gotten there a little bit with Tarot readings, and I think I almost got to a point where I just needed to kind of back away and focus on something else. And I think that was music for me, and I didn't lose, you know, those connections to my spirituality. I think sometimes I just need to take breaks. And it's almost like the duality, too, of, like, having something so far removed to remember how powerful and important it is. So you, like, come back to the other side. But I had released an EP in 2025, and that was something that I never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought that I could do. But it was on my original manifestation list in 2021 when I really was doing all of that soul searching. So that was cool. And again, that was a way for me to transmute a lot of the sad feelings, you know, the feelings that we're not supposed to feel and the feelings that we feel shame about feeling, even though that doesn't take the feeling away. Yeah, it was cool. I. I got to really alchemize a lot of that. And that was so cool to be able to release in music. And I really felt like I was getting. Not getting somewhere, but just, like feeling like all of this work and stuff that I had been doing for music was really paying off and just Getting to a place that I had always dreamed about getting to. And I think behind the scenes also in 2024 was me really just like this business stuff. I just. I still don't want to work for other people. And I'm grateful for the job that I have now, and I'm grateful for the money and the resources that I have now to be able to feed myself and my family and our kitties and all of that things. But I never really let go of the idea that I still wanted to work for myself and I still wanted to, yeah, do something that changed the world and do something that made the world a better place instead of a shitty place. And that kind of gets me to another big point too is like all of this basically that has been unfolding since George Floyd's murder in 2024 really just had me thinking and reflecting a lot. And I think as I was getting into my business and following all of these creators, I was very, very, very, very, very hyper aware of my. Yeah, my just being a white woman in spirituality. And if you've been following me, you know that spirituality is really important to me and it hasn't always been something that I was able to talk about. I even did a podcast about it. But yeah, I just saw a lot of the love and light people around me who I still thought had, you know, valuable things to say weren't talking about anything that was happening in the world. And I think there are a lot of spiritual people who say that it's, you know, low vibrational to look at all the pain and the suffering in the world. And I can't remember, like, outright if anyone said that specifically. But I do know, you know, as I was getting into TikTok, that there is a huge discourse in the community and society, period, who have a problem with a lot of the people who say they are spiritual and love and light and kind of tap out of the serious stuff. And I think that was a big value that was coming up for me in my own experience of like, hey, I believe in, you know, higher consciousness and love and peace. And I do feel like we all have the potential to get there. And at the same time, I don't want to negate other people's real lived experiences of how they are feeling and the suffering that is real for them and that is going on outside of us. And I do remember back in, like the 20, 2016 area where I had been learning about Buddhism and learning about all those things and how they talk about, you know, this oneness and that Everything is all connected. And. And I really wanted to know, like, well, how do these philosophies and these spiritual teachings connect or relate to all of these wars that are happening around the globe and all of these people that are getting killed? And it's like, how do you make sense of that through your spirituality? And I think it just brought up the point that, you know, suffering has been happening ever since the beginning. And a lot of Buddhism talks about how the suffering is like a byproduct of our human mind and how it's like just by inherently the mind existing, it's like, then we're causing suffering because we are quote unquote, disconnected from this source. And it's like. It's like a baby coming out of a mother's womb. It's like it was once comfortable and warm and cozy and had everything it needed, and now it was, like, separate and living this completely different life. So it's like, how do you. How do you. How do you not suffer when you're feeling separate from your wholeness? And I think a lot of these questions start to become rhetorical because I don't even know if anyone has the answer. I don't even know if there is one answer. But it's something that I just feel like I've always been connected to. I've always been able to perceive the suffering in others. Even as a kid, looking at how my parents were suffering, like, I've just never not been a stranger. And that could be neurodivergence, that could be being highly sensitive. It could just be, you know, who I am at my soul's core. But I've just always thought about that and. And when I was, like, looking to spirituality, and I feel like a lot of people look to religion and stuff too, for. For comfort through shitty suffering. And, you know, it's one thing to say, like, well, just pray to God and he will take it all away, or God, they will take it all away, or. And it's like, not all of these answers are enough. And it's like, how do you conceptually know something but also feel something totally different? And how come knowing these things doesn't take away the pain or the suffering? And, you know, it's something that I've been hyper aware of because I do resonate with higher consciousness. And I do feel like this idea of. How do I want to say it? This idea of our beliefs being connected to the reality that we experience. I do feel like there's validity to that. But I also was seeing so many People talk about how that shit is just frou frou and doesn't work. And I think that that brings up such a valid point because how do you reconstruct your beliefs when there are systems that are harming us and systems that have been in place essentially since the conception of America that prevent the, you know, well being and full extent of being able to experience life as a human for people who are not white? And how do you just recreate and reimagine a reality when, you know, we have to go to work or we have to pay a big fat hospital bill or, you know, things like that. And all of these things have just been like, running in the back of my mind, like, how can I be a white woman in the spiritual side of things and not contribute to the harm that a lot of people have experienced from white women, both in the spiritual community and also in general? And I think, you know, I recorded a podcast in 2020 about how it's so important for us to look at that shame that comes up for us as white people when we do talk about a lot of this stuff, because that puts us in this state of being defensive and not wanting to have conversations and feeling attacked. And, you know, how can we find room for all of these experiences? Because I think for us it's like we don't want to experience shame. I don't think any human likes shame. That's why it's such a low. A low. Lower. Lower. What am I looking for? Emotion. And just for, you know, to set the record straight, I don't believe in a hierarchy, as in like joy is better than sadness or shame. It's just a matter of, I mean, if you want to say vibrating like on a physics level, and you can even look at it as like the spectrum of light, like the red, the red side of the spectrum of light is, is a, is a longer, slower wavelength. And so these feelings. I'm really thinking of this book called Transcending the Levels of Consciousness. But I do want to say that it was written by a white man. And I think that all of this is important in the context of when we are looking at sources and things that we refer to. Because if we are looking at material and using resources from people who do not ask themselves these questions and who do not point out the inequity and the oppressive systems, then they could be, you know, what people are talking about. Well, you're just being love and light, and you just think, we can just escape this. And so anyways, he talks about just how it's like. It's like moving up through consciousness. It's like those are those lower emotions, and we have to move through those to get through to the more neutral and the higher vibrating ones. And so, Because we don't want to look at our shame, it gets stuck. And I think from my perspective as someone in the white community, that this is what keeps a lot of people stuck is like, this unwillingness to look at how painful these emotions are and how painful it is to reconcile with the fact that, yeah, our country was literally built off of the free labor of black and indigenous people and how our entire society has been basically created from there, and how literally, fucking the other day, this administration is just taking museum exhibit documents about the history of slavery and just removing it as if it doesn't exist. Like, I can see how there is a lot of unaddressed shame in our community. And I think that has also been, you know, going back to this place of only we can do our own inner work. I have just been deep in this for the last six years and thinking and reflecting on how I can be a better community member, how I can be a better human, how I can contribute to this world without causing any more additional harm. And I think a lot of that starts with looking at our own place in the world, in our own place in the community. And for me, that meant looking at my identity as a white woman. And I think that, you know, I've just been doing a lot of listening and learning and reflecting and following so many creators on the Internet and just listening to what they have to say. And I've had to look in the mirror of what it means to be a white woman. And, you know, it's a. It's a stark mirror to look at. And that is something that we have to, like, accept. And. And it's like, you know, I can't change my skin color, but I can change the way that I relate to my race and the way that I relate to other races, and I can change my intention of how I go out in the world. And I think this was a huge piece in the business world, too, because as I was saying, a lot of the people that I was following on the Internet, you know, other women who have started businesses and created businesses, not everyone includes the element of what it means to be a human. And I knew that if I wanted to create my business, I didn't want to create another vehicle of harm, and I didn't want to create another. What's it called? Another. Yeah, another business that was based on the feeling of burning out and hustling and scarcity and pressure and force. And I just knew in my heart that I did not want to create that. And I sure as heck did not want to be a white woman who was ignorant and pretended like everything was just okay in the world, because it's not okay. And I am learning how to hold this just as everyone else is. It's like, how do you hold this beauty that exists, but also this suffering? And I think that's what this whole year, if not last, like, two years, have been, especially for those of us who are chronically online. But it's like, how do we continue living when this is so real for all of us? And how do we continue showing up and providing joy and love when people are being murdered by our government? Like, for me, a value that I'm learning is that we can't pretend like this isn't happening. And I think where I'm at is, like, still figuring out how to feel safe sharing online with a lot of this stuff. And I really do think a lot of it goes back to my beliefs, But I'm not using that as a cop out. I think for me, like, a big thing right now is like, I do not want to continue the harm that has been caused by the white community, period. And if that is my foundational thing, then what does that mean going forward? And, you know, I think the biggest thing that we can do and that I'm learning is just, like, to be real with myself and to be honest and to allow these emotions to have a. A space, a container. Because if we can't move past our shame or our guilt or our anger, we can't get to the other side. And, you know, a big thing that has also been happening for me is waking up to the patriarchy and waking up to how everything is connected and how all of these systems that have been oppressing people and us. And, you know, the crazy part is we as white people are also oppressed. And I'm not saying that to, like, take the focus off people who are not. Who do not look like me, because I think that their oppression is so important to remember and pay attention to. I just say that to. To remind us that we are also being harmed by this system that we are upholding. And for me, waking up to not only just being a woman, but just being a person in this, that's a part of the system. It's like, how can I remove myself from this system and start creating a new system that works. And that works for everyone, not just people that are white or, you know, things like that. And this is just something that I have wanted to talk about for so long, and I just maybe needed a snow day. And like I said, I am still learning how to talk about this on the Internet. Because something too that I learned during COVID is like, we can be informed, but we can also be overwhelmed. And just like, you know, in 2021, and there was like an insurrection when people literally went inside the building. I remember. Yeah, just Covid. We were just checking. We didn't know what was going on, so we had to check the news. But it's like, if the news is designed to keep you in fight or flight, then you're just like looping it. And I feel like lately I have been experiencing that too, because we're literally watching it on our phones. Like, there are people who are not even really constitutionally protected or given the right to do this, but they're, like, killing people. And we're watching it in 4K on our phones. Like, this shit is so traumatizing for everyone. And not to mention the people in the black and brown bodies who are fearing for their fucking life right now. Like, what world do we live in right now? And this is just where I've been. And as a sensitive person, I think it's so, you know, for me, I have to know where the boundary is to be able to pause so that I can, like, make sure I am getting oxygen and make sure my cup is full. Because if I'm not filling my cup, then I don't have any capacity or energy to do anything else. And for me, what I want to do is build a new world and build a world that everyone is valued and that we are not taking free labor off people who literally were born here, who were born here before freaking Christopher Columbus, before America was colonized, before the fucking world was colonized. And, you know, I could literally talk for a long time about this, but I just wanted to bring up just basically the context of where I've been to show where I'm going. And. Oh, God, just like, it's just one unimaginable to even realize that we're here and that we're having to navigate this stuff. Like, it just feels like, what's going on and where are we? And, like, when are we going to wake up from this nightmare? But the real. Really the question does become, like, how does this coexist in the spiritual world? Like, a lot of people talk about, you know, spiritual warfare And I guess just where I'm at in my own experience, that feels like a lot for me. But, you know, the more I learn about energy and the unseen parts of the world and our human experience, I don't want to just, you know, excuse me, say that it doesn't exist, but our attention is literally the most precious resource ever. And we are watching or not. If you are sleeping, were watching that unfold. And, yeah, man, this is just crazy. But, yeah, I've also. So much good is also coming out of this because I really do feel like I'm getting closer to what makes me me and who I really am. Before the years of alcohol dependence and substance abuse and being in relationships that were hurting me and hurting myself. And I really feel like I have been waking up to just how we, as women are a part of this system that was designed for men and specifically designed for white men. And I don't want to be a part of this system. And I think, you know, black and brown people have been telling us forever, and it's taken us a long time to understand because it wasn't, you know, outright happening to us. And I've just gotten to a point in my life where, like, we're all humans and we all deserve to experience what it means to be a human. Like, we all deserve to experience the joy of being able to. To feel the sun on our face and hear the birds and look at the flowers and. And somehow, centuries ago, that was, like, taken from us. And we were given this new story in this new narrative that we needed to go to school and get a good education so we could get a good job, that we could work for the next 60 years and then retire. And hopefully we got married and had kids, you know, to continue the system on here and there. But, yeah, once you get to a certain age where you can't work anymore and hopefully you lived a good life and then you die. And I've just really been waking up to how, like, that is not a story that we agreed to. And there's a lot of things that we didn't agree to in this world and in this country, and yet we are here, deep in the middle of it, deep, deeply wound up like a naughty ball of yarn. And it's like, how do we get out of this? How? How? And again, I think some of these are rhetorical questions, and I think that it's okay that we don't know the answer right now, but I think the most important thing is we take care of ourselves so that we can Begin to start talking about these questions and having dialogue about these questions. Because I think right now a lot of people are overwhelmed and even going back to that shame. Like, if you're feeling shame and guilty and overwhelmed, of course everything is going to be received as an attack, and of course you're going to get defensive. And if we look at neurobiology, being in fight or flight means that we are running from danger. So, like, if you can put two and two together, if we are trying to have these really serious, intense conversations with each other while we're in fight or flight, perceiving every comment as a danger or a threat, of course we're going to close up. And, you know, I also did a podcast about when your reality shatters into a million pieces. Granted, this was in 2020, so it was, like, kind of around our reality that we were believing before our economy just shut down and the world shut down and things like that. But I think for a lot of white people, it feels like, so heavy and so much that you can't even perceive it or you can't even begin to unpack or even look at it. So we don't. Or we pull up Netflix or, you know, like, we'd rather do anything but feel that pain. And I understand that. And, like, I understand why we run away from pain because we don't want to feel it. We're biologically wired to run away from pain. And I think I feel like I have been experiencing pain and suffering for a greater majority of my life. And so I have just felt the call to try to figure the out and, like, get the out of this pain and misery and suffering, because I literally am tired of it. And I think a lot of us are waking up and getting tired of all this. And I am one of those wild, crazy, delusional, whatever you want to call it, people who believe that a new world is possible and a new earth is possible. And I actually just started reading A New Earth Again by Eckhart Tolle, which is another white man. And I would love to. Love to provide some sources that are written by other people. It just was relevant to what I was saying. But, yeah, I think right now we are just kind of in. In that dance of. Of feeling like we're in fight or flight and like nothing else is possible and that things are just getting worse. And. And I do wish to offer just the idea that. That everything is temporary and. And this is not permanent, and there is another way, and we might not know what that way is, but we can connect to the people who feel similarly with us and build a community and, and start to ask these questions and start to have a dialogue about how we create new. And I think a big turning point for me was realizing that I don't have to use energy to fight a dying system because I do believe that our paradigm is shifting and not the patriarchy is realizing that it is not going to last forever as women continue to wake up and we continue to wake up to the harms that are caused. And you know, just like white supremacy, men are also harmed by patriarchy too. And men are not allowed to feel and not allowed to be human and sensitive for fear of being called a. Or weak or anything like that that would hurt them. And yeah, I think we're all waking up and, and this is really connected to my business because I feel like I have been able to bring awareness to a lot of these things and through my own healing of myself and my emotions and my feelings, I've been able to get to a place in my own life where I feel like I can create change and I can try new things and I can express myself and I can heal and I can move forward. And I think that is what a lot of these systems still rely on, is us feeling disconnected and feeling numbed out and feeling, yeah, disconnected from our body, feeling disconnected from our heart, from our mind, from our soul. I feel like these systems rely on us to be that and complacent because it feels too scary to do anything else. And I feel like this is such a big piece of my work and the work that I continue to do is helping others see that there is another way and that we don't have to be a part of a system that continues to harm us and that continues to harm so many people. And at this point, this is not a left or right situation. It's we are citizens of a government that is not doing what governments are supposed to do. And this is like a people thing now, like how can we rise up as a community to stop this from happening? And I think a lot of it feels impossible when we see military grade weaponry being carried by these people who signed an oath to protect us. And we see in protests and people going out in the streets and they're being met with all of these like assault rifle, gas weapon things. And you know, it's scary. It's scary being a part of a system where this feels normal and okay. And I feel like that's where a lot of us are right now. And it's a big Thing that I, you know, think about too, like, holy shit, I do not. I don't want to die. I don't want to get shot. I don't want to have to do that. But it's like, fuck, look at the people who are already dying. And I don't say any of this to, you know, take us back to that dark place. I just want to name what's true and what is real. Because for a lot of us this is so real and a lot of us are so unsure of what the fuck to do. We found ourselves living in this like hellscape of a country that was based on freedom and liberty. But for who? The really rich people? The really corrupt politicians? And that is another piece of this too is like if right now the people in control have the money and they're not making good choices for us, then that means that if we, which is also probably why women didn't have access to credit cards or bank accounts for a long time. But if we who have good intentions and good hearts have more money, what do you think we could do with that? And for me, as a heart centered, sensitive person, I feel like I could do so much with more money and you know, the donations that I give to community could be so much bigger and, and to be able to make a life for ourselves that's based on love and kindness and not harm and hate. And, and we deserve to, to not feel like we can't exist. Like it's so sad that we feel like we can't do things because we have to make money because we have to go to work. And it's like we're literally working these jobs for like less than $20 an hour. And these are not livable wages for humans and not with the rate of inflation. Like, it's not okay. And you know, my answer, at least for my own personal well being has been to try to take things in my own hands and, and start a business and, and guide things with, with my heart and my intention and really wanting to share these ideas of kindness and connection and compassion with my community because I really do believe that, you know, if a lot of these unethical billionaires that are men were not men and maybe, you know, their, this world would be different. And I think that women and other gender identities have so much to contribute to society and have so many valuable perspectives that not just like a straight heteronormative man would make decisions for. And yeah, like, starting a business feels like a way to freedom for me and my family and to really create the change that I feel so passionate about and to start helping others to find self sufficiency and self reliance and not having to depend on everything outside of you and really, really feeling this connection to Source and to our higher power. Because at the end of the day, I do really feel like my connection to spirituality helps me through a lot of this. And I always want to be open to learning and growing. And yeah, this is just where I'm at at this point in my life. And I'm so thankful to be able to release and let go of everything that has been standing in the way because I think this has always been who I am. It's just, you know, like everything else, we. We go through the motions and we believe things as truth and we start contributing and feeling like going into this rat race again and like, well, I have to go to school and I have to get a good job. And I like, okay, this doesn't work for us anymore. And I understand that this feels like impossible to. To tackle, and it does look that way, but I will. I heard a term revolutionary optimism, and I could totally get down by that because I think at the end of the day, we are still humans and we do still embrace the madness that we were born into. And we take this lemon and we make some lemonade because life is too short for us to be fucking living this way. And our world literally feels like it's on fire. And life just wasn't supposed to be this way. And if you are feeling delulu, come on, join. Join the community. Because I really do believe that we can make some change. And I think that there are so many of us out there and all we have to do is start getting together and doing that. And the one way you can start today is by loving yourself and giving yourself compassion and forgiving yourself and knowing that this connection that you have with yourself is one of the most important connections you could ever have, period. Because this is the connection to, to Source and to our spirit and our soul. And that part of us that physics doesn't always explain. Like, we know what we feel is true because we feel it. And I think the more we can show up for ourselves individually, the more equipped we will be able to start having these conversations and start making change and taking action. Because no, we're not going to do it alone. We're not able to change the world alone, but we can do it together. And that's what we're doing, y'. All. We're changing the world and we're doing it Together and you're not alone and you have so much support. And if you need someone to remind you, then I will remind you. And if this has all been resonating with you and you are like, holy, like I found my people, like you're saying the truth, then I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're listening. And I do. I just started a free community for us to connect offline, at least off social media, but just a way for us to connect to continue these conversations and to continue to learn how to take care of ourselves and continue to learn how to fill our own cup so we can start to make a better future and create something sustainable that supports us and doesn't hurt us and doesn't continue to create harm for the people that we live with. And yeah, I'm so grateful for you being here and I thank you so much for listening because this stuff is so important. And yeah, we, we just have to start building our community and, and learning from each other and listening to each other. And I'm really excited to be able to watch all of these dreams being built and I'm excited to live in a world where we do take care of each other and we do support one another and we do feel creative and, and feel safe to express ourselves because I think at the end of the day that's what we are here to do. We are here to, to live and to be a human and to experience life and joy and the range of the human emotional spectrum. And yeah, I'm sending you so much love and warmth and peace. And yeah, I will let you know, we are doing a challenge starting February 1st, which is in, in six days. That's wild. Yeah. So I've been creating this program called nourish your garden and it's basically like a 28 day, self paced course. The idea was that we have a garden in our, in our minds and we, we don't always know what's growing in it. And sometimes we look at our garden and we see a lot of weeds and we're like, how did those get there? Like, I want some pretty stuff in my garden, not all these weeds. And you know, the weeds could be negative thought patterns or negative habits or just things that aren't, aren't serving us. And so it's kind of this very gentle, intentional, one step at a time journey to, to beginning to nourish that garden that you have and to take care of yourself and to start filling your cup. I mean, a lot of what we've talked about like a lot of times we're so overwhelmed with our emotions and our experience that we just shut it down or numb out. And I, I numbed out with substances for a long time. And the thing is like with, with growth is that it happens one step at a time. And the challenge is instead of it being self paced, we're going to go through it together and I will go through it too. And, and we will go each day and each week. It's only 28 days, so it's just a month and we will go and we will grow together. And so I'm offering the program for $88. And this is lifetime access. So you know, we're doing a challenge this month, but you will always be able to check in and if you feel called to do it one month on your own, you have the power to do so because you get lifetime access. But yeah, if you want to be a part of this challenge, obviously you have to be, be a part of the program. But yes, I invite you to join. And if you want to go even deeper and not only have, you know, the accountability of going through each day, but have the community support, I have a special inner circle upgrade option where you get access. We'll have a private little community chat that we will Talk over the 28 days and you also with each week, each week has a theme and so you'll also get to have four, four sessions, one on one audio sessions with me each week to ask any questions or go deeper on any of the themes or topics. So that after the 28 days you have really just, you know, created the intention of community and connection and guidance and really, really, you know, slingshotting to a whole different place at the end of the, of the 28 days. But yeah, that's called nourish your garden. And the upgrade option is going to be 1:11. And again that's for lifetime access, but you also get those four bonus sessions which is essentially like $111 in itself. So you're getting, you're getting so much for, for that not, not to mention the program lifetime access too. So I am so excited to welcome you into either of those options. And again, if you are just at, at the, the level of wanting to just be a part of a free community, then I invite you to join my, my little community embracing the madness. And yeah, I'm just so grateful to have you and to be able to share this with you and to be able to share this episode because honestly, I feel like this has been gestating for years now, and I. And I want to continue talking about this stuff because it matters, and it matters to me, and it matters to our community. So with that, I will be signing off. And, yeah, I'm sending you warmth and love and comfort. And it is going to be spring soon, everyone, so just keep remembering to celebrate the days getting longer in the sun and. And all the beautiful nature that is thriving outside. I'll see you later. Bye, y'. All.