When Moving Gets Messy: How To Trust & Surrender When Everything Falls Apart

Yo, what is up? Welcome to embrace the madness. Holy cow. I haven't recorded a podcast in like, three months, so if you have never tuned in, hello, my name is Madeline. I host this podcast, Embrace the Madness, to help you literally embrace the madness that is the world around us. I think we have so much shit that goes on kind of in our life and around us, and sometimes it really just doesn't make sense as we'll talk about today. But I think that we have so much to learn and so much to grow through experiencing this. And that's why I host this podcast, so we can talk about it and share and continue loving each other and growing, even though we do go through madness and helping each other through the madness. I'll try not to say madness again, but yeah, so I guess let me get reacclimated. The last time I touched base was December, I think, and we were getting ready to move. And so now we've moved. And a lot of craziness has happened since then. And now I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can talk about it. So I'm here to talk about it. The weather has also been way weird. It's been cold at night, hot in the day. I'm pretty sure it's going to be like 80 degrees this week. And I'm like, no, please cooperate. Because my sinuses are just they love to tell me when the pressure is changing outside. So I think we're going to be fine today. I think it will be good, a good, nice podcast to get back into. I'm just excited that I'm doing it. And I'm actually in a brand new space. I finally have my studio set up. I've got my Maddow studio for my music, and I've also got my Embrace Madness side. And yeah, if you've never heard, I'm also a DJ and electronic music producer. So I've kind of got a lot happening in my life. But I think that's cool because I wouldn't have it any other way. And I love that I can have both to support me and then if I am not necessarily feeling one, I can always bounce to the other. So I guess where we left off was me sharing kind of the emotions of where I was. And if you haven't taken the time to listen to it, it's literally the episode before this, I think, like closing out cycles, we're moving, blah, blah. So, yeah, I think god, it just feels like a whole lifetime has happened since December. So our lease was up at the end of the year, so, like, December 31, and we had made arrangements to I wonder if we had even found the house during that time, because I think I released that episode actually in November, but we still hadn't found a house. We finally found a house after Thanksgiving. I think it was within the first couple of weeks of December. So it's kind of like anxiety inducing because I kept telling myself, oops, we're going to find somewhere. I promise it'll just work out. And I think I've talked about manifestation and kind of all of that on the pot a little bit, but I was really just practicing, like, trusting that things were going to work out. And so we had finally found this place. It was mainly, I don't know, it just really reminded me of my grandparents old house, which of course is nostalgic, and you know how that goes. I think we had, like, come to Nashville. We weren't like, stressed, but we were also like, okay, what is crunch time? And so I think we had gone. It was like, well, we had also saw a shitty house that had fluorescent lights in the living room. And I was like, I don't think I could live with that and not think about it every day. So we had gone and go see the house, and we thought it was great. It was actually listed as a three one, so like, three bedrooms. But I think after we toured it, we were like, where's the third bedroom? So I think it actually got mislabeled as more bedrooms than what it had. So we were kind of like talking ourselves through. We were like, oh, yeah, we need to downsize anyways. We have a lot of stuff. Maybe we could get a shed delivered or built, which I don't even know where we would have funded that project, but we were really committed to making it work. So at that point, I think I had already been packing up the house kind of. Davis was still working his 40 hours week job, and we were just packing up the house. Well, we also had Christmas and saying bye to everybody kind of in the same couple of weeks. So I think just going into it, we just had a lot on our plate. And I'm like remembering it was definitely so many emotions, and I think even my friend pointed it out kind of in the closing out cycles episode, just like, hearing the emotion in my voice. And I think I was really sad. I was sad of leaving my hometown. I have never lived anywhere else other than, like, a semester abroad, but I don't really count that as living. That was four months. So I think four months and like, 29 years was a big, big difference. So, yeah, I was sad about leaving our family. Think I just had never been away from my family like that, and I was feeling it. I was also feeling, like the pressure of moving because Davis and I, we moved. This was like our first move together in a relationship, like, moving from one place to the next. We had both moved to our last house, but we had been living individually and then moves our stuff there. So this time we were moving all of our stuff from one place to another. So I was like, taking care of all the U Hauls, getting all the utilities started. Our family and friends came to help us pack. We had to get the biggest, uhaul, because we had so much stuff. And that's like a whole I don't even want to go there because I've just put it way far back in the recesses of my mind. So I'm making sure everything's going according to plan. When I need to get shit done, I can get shit done. I do procrastinate sometimes. But I was very on top of it. I even surprised myself. I had gotten all the utilities in my name, started all that stuff. So we had kept in contact. We were going to leave. I think it was like the Friday night because we wanted to get the keys before New Year's because I didn't want to have to think about moving. I just wanted to get here and just be done. You know what I mean? And so we had packed the car. I was so fucking proud of myself. I was like, highly organized. I had everything ready for us to have what we needed for three or four days so we didn't have to worry about finding shit in the U Haul or blah, blah blah. Because like I said, we had a lot of stuff. And so we had all our little things. We got all that taken care of. The car was packed, but we had probably taken like five or 6 hours longer than what we anticipated. So we had kind of made the decision to just stay because I think we finished packing at like 11:00 p.m.. And driving 3 hours after packing and moving, that didn't seem very appealing. So we went to go get some food, came back, put our mattress down and just went to sleep and woke up early the next day to go. So I guess you haul had been in our driveway for two or three days maybe. I guess, I don't know. Two days. I don't even remember at this point. But so long that one of the tires had gotten stuck in the mud. And so if you don't know, the biggest U Haul they have is like it looks like it has 18 wheeler wheels because it's got the two wheels. So it's like twice as many wheels because there's so much stuff. But yeah, Davis was trying to pull out and he's like, it's not moving. That I tried and it's not moving. So we look at just the tires fucking spinning in the mud and dude, it's like 07:00 A.m.. We had just finished packing. We were so get the heck out of here. And we couldn't leave. So luckily, which I'm realizing I never did an episode like I wanted to on the year that Bonneru got canceled because of the hurricane and the mud. But luckily this wasn't the first time we were in this situation. So we were very resourceful. And we had all of our trash on the curb from cleaning everything out. And we had, like, grabbed some cardboard to try to stick under the tire, and it was still spinning. And so Davis and his genius brain was like, let's get these little rocks. So we had kind of made this little gravel path, and finally it worked. And so we pull out of the driveway and we make it. And we're like, yes. And so we pull off, and I think we're trying to get everything done. And then at that point, I think Davis had opened the, uhaul, door and things spilled out, one of which was motor oil. So we're, like, trying to go really bad. And it was, like, one thing after another kind of situation. And I was about to start crying. I was like, we need to go meet this lady for the keys. We need to go. Like, my brain is already in Nashville trying to figure everything out and just get there. And so I'm like, calm down. It's okay. Just, like, let's clean this up and just, let's clean this up. There's no sense in, like, getting angry. There's no sense in freaking out. Like, we're going to figure it out. So I think maybe, I don't know, like, an hour detour. And we were keeping in touch with the lady, the landlord lady. And yes, finally we were leaving, and we got on the road. It was kind of like the shitty thing was it was, like, raining the whole time we were packing. And I was grateful because we had a little awning thing to cover, and we didn't really have to get everything too wet. It was just going along with my mood, and it was just weird. I was just, like, ready to get out of the chaos that was the boxes and the moving and the stuff. And it just felt never ending. So I was ready to be gone. We make arrangements to meet the lady, I think around, like, ten or, I don't know, 1030, something like that. So we pull up to the house. The last time we saw it was when we toured it a few weeks prior. And so we got there, and she wasn't there yet. So we call her and we're like, hey, we're here. And she gives us the code. And so we're, like, so fucking stoked. We got the U Haul in the driveway. We open the door and we hear water. And I think we both just kind of have the thought of, like, well, that's not supposed to be the sound that you hear when you walk into your new place. So we go and we look, and we just see water just dripping from the ceiling. The beautiful hardwood floor is just wet, like, soaked. We walk a little bit further, and there's just ceiling insulation all over this room. And it was crazy because on the drive I'm like, oh, where's our bedroom going to be? Where's our blah, blah, blah, blah going to be? And then I'm like, oh, cool. That was the room that I thought our bedroom could be. So I think we were both fucking delirious. And we're just like, what? So we call her and we tell her what's happening. And of course she's like, oh my god. And I think we were, like, talking to the neighbor. And we're like, yeah, the house is flooded and all that stuff. And she's like, oh, my god, I remember being there as a kid, and I just remember being so WTF. And we try to make the best out of a piece of poop, you know? Like, we are both like, oh, man, well, maybe it will get fixed soon. We reach out to our friends and we're like, oh, hey, look, all of our shit fucking is wet. And they're like, oh, well, let's go get like, of course our friends are resourceful. And they're like, oh, let's go get some fans and dehumidifiers and let's get this going. And of course, at that point we're like, okay, well, we're not fucking living here for now. Just more chaos of, like, having to call you hall and explain the situation and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was just literally a nightmare. And I was in good spirits, probably because I was exhausted. And we were explaining to her like, oh, it's okay. We understand that this shit literally no one could have predicted or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we're, like hanging out there all day. Our friend comes, Springs pizza, this kind of emotional support that day. And I think after a few hours, I was like, I need to leave. Like, I need to get out of this place. Like, I think it started, like, hitting me, just like, the reality of the situation, you know, like, gratefully we had a place to stay that night and would have a place to stay for the next couple of weeks. But yeah, I think even just reflecting on it and thinking about it, I'm just like, holy shit. And so the landlady is, like, trying to coordinate, get people to come. And around that time, we were experiencing single digit rare temperatures in Tennessee. And even in our old town, we had done so well. It was like an old house. And Davis even put a sleeping bag in the basement around the pipes. And we just had taken so much care to make sure that our old place didn't have burst pipes because everybody in the city was experiencing it. So many people were. And so just the irony of getting to our new place, and that's what had happened. So just a whole lot of feelings and emotions is altogether plus being tired. And I was like, yeah, we were just like, let's just go. Do they need us here anymore because blah, blah, blah, I got to go. And they were on the phone trying to get us to I think they were trying to help out and find us a new place. I knew what I wanted in a house, and I knew that I wasn't in a place to make a decision at that point. I don't think anyone could have made a logical or rational decision. I mean, they could have let me take that back. They could have. But me and my state, I needed time. I know myself. I knew I needed more than, like, fucking 3 hours to find a new place. You know what I mean? And so I was just like, no, we'll let you know. We just need to go fucking sit home. Because we had just spent like the last four to five hell, probably even a week, just like a tornado just moving so fast that, yeah, we needed to take a break. I didn't want to make any more decisions, and I think Davis probably felt the same. So we go. And at that point, they were like, oh, well, maybe it will take two weeks to fix. Maybe it will take we we're not really sure, things like that. And so, yeah, I don't know if that point I had been like, oh, well, we'll just come back to this place. I think there were just some things that were, like, happening. And even I think my friend's friend had come, and he was like, oh, well, you'll never know if the mold and the water actually gets all the way completely out. And of course, that sets off like a little ding ding ding in my head because the one time I took an allergy test in college, I'm very allergic to mold. And so I was like, shit. And then there was like I think the neighbor had, like, dog poop that I literally probably almost stepped in three times. And I was thinking, like, well, it would really be unfortunate to have to avoid stepping in this every day I walk in my yard. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think once the dust had settled, there's just a lot. And I'm actually being really kind and objective in this podcast. I'm sure there were a lot of expletives mentioned, and I definitely was going through it was just weird, the range of emotions that I experienced. It was just a lot. Like, we had just made this brand new transition, this really hard, scary transition, leaving our friends and family, leaving my hometown, our hometown. I think Davis isn't from there, but he's lived there a lot of his life. And so, yeah, it was just like the chaos of all of that, plus this, plus me thinking that, oh, I thought this was the house that was going to work out, and then it didn't work out. What does that mean? Does it mean anything? Is it going to work out. I think I just had so many question marks happening, and yeah, it was just a lot of feelings. I cried a lot. I think anyone would I think I was also very humbled and just very like, okay, well, you have a place to stay. And I think that is, like, the biggest blessing out of all this because not everybody is able to move to a new city and have support and have a place to stay. Thank you, Jordan, after something like this. Also, I forgot to mention the U Haul. God bless. I had called and they were so understanding. Thankfully, we basically had to go. Fortunately, we got a month free storage with the rental, and I think that fucking saved our ass because we had to go move every single all the stuff that we had just taken out of our house, we had to go put it in, I think, like, ten X 18 storage unit box. And Graciously had the help of our friends in Nashville to help us load all this stuff, but I was, like, checking out. I just couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't believe that we were having to put all of our stuff back into a storage unit. I was just overwhelmed because this big project that I had orchestrated and organized and planned for was just, like, getting disorganized. I didn't know we had so much stuff. I didn't know what the heck was going on. It was just a lot. And I really don't know what I would have done without all the people who have helped us during this. I couldn't have done it by myself, that's for fucking sure. And yeah, I just wanted to check out. Like, I just didn't want I didn't want to deal with what was going on anymore. And I don't think anyone would have either. I don't think I was crazy and how I was responding. And a lot of my friends were even like, you're actually handling this really well, and I'm so grateful for my practices and my mindset, but this was a huge fucking test of it. Like, oh, if you're going to go be chill, well, let's see how this happens. And I don't think this is like, the universe or nature trying to fuck with me or be malicious. I think it was really just like, okay, well, you've learned all these tools. Now here's an example to put them into practice. And I keep thinking, like, I swear to God, I think I kept telling myself, like, an affirmation that I would like to adopt is being comfortable, being uncomfortable. And now that I think about it, I just like, huge face palm, because I'm just like, Jeez, Madeline. Of course that's what your affirmation was. Of course that's mainly that story also. Yeah, it was possible that we were able to stay with my friend who had some extra room in her place. And so we kind of had to just temporarily start rebuilding. And I think for, I don't know, the first few weeks, I just felt like I'm just spending a weekend trip in Nashville and I'm going back home soon. And I think it was weird for me to it was really difficult, actually, for me to fully mentally unpack. You know what I mean? At that point, I didn't have any stuff. I just had my weekend bag. Literally, I told you, I packed us for like two to four days with the intent of being able to get everything out within the first 24 hours of being there because we have to return the U Haul. All the stuff that we planned on getting access to was locked in a storage unit. And because we had so much stuff in, the storage unit was a lot smaller. There was just no way to organize it without, like, it taking forever. So we just put it all in there. And also thanks to Daniel and Dwayne for letting us borrow some storage unit space, which another here, I'll talk about that in a second. But yeah, I think it was just so hard to unpack mentally, spiritually, physically, because it just didn't feel right. Like, it just didn't feel like it was just it was bizarre. Like, I literally feel like we were having a whole psychedelic experience for December to January. It was just weird. Like weird weird. I'm not going to say weird again. Oh, yeah, but there's a couple of things that were, like, that felt like funny haha's from the universe and not like funny haha, like malicious. I just, I don't know, reminders for me to be present. I don't know. Or just like, laugh at the cosmic joke of it all. Like, when the landlady was on hold for one of the contractors or whatever to come out to the house, the hold music was My Heart Will Go On. And I don't know if you've ever seen fucking Titanic, but water flooded the Titanic. And so I heard that and I was like, are they literally playing this right now? Is this literally happening? It was just so goofy. And then we got our storage unit and kind of find out. It was literally at the same location right next to our friend's storage unit. So it was almost like we were being intentionally guided through this shitty experience. And I kept having these feelings of like, okay, well, we're being taken care of. We're being looked after. Something's happening in that this feels like it's supposed to be happening. Which is also, like, cognitive dissonance in a way because I was just completely in shock that this was all happening. But yeah, so those little things kind of were just like, okay, well, someone's watching and paying attention, so maybe I should just let go or surrender or trust that things are going to work out. And that was also a big thing too, because I've had a lot of those moments. Like if I prescribe to these kind of like universal ideas, like everything is happening for a reason or things like that, I try to apply it and say, well, I wonder how this happens. And I think there are definitely some things that don't really make sense. And I kind of like chalk it to just being a human with less consciousness who doesn't know, especially if our loved ones pass or if terrible things happen. It doesn't really make sense why it's happening. What's the reason that the person that I love and care about isn't here anymore? It's not always the easiest thing to do. And I think this was another example, like, why the fuck did this just happen? Why do we just go to move all of our things? And then it completely fell through right in front of our face. It was just a lot of that. And I think because it was so jarring and because we didn't imagine it or predict it, I didn't know how to make sense of it. I don't think with my head down I was even able to see any of it. I was just so caught up in like, what the fuck? Why did this just happen? Yes, I think my ego got triggered. I think my ego was present the whole time because my security and safety was kind of in limbo. But I don't think I was really like, why me? For a lot of it. I think, of course, I naturally had those thoughts of like, why me? But yeah, I mean, it also was hard not to just completely go into victim mode because I'll keep it civil and I'll keep it neutral and vague. But I think things didn't work out for a reason because the way it all went down and figuring out all of the logistics in terms of the lease that we just signed. So all I'm going to say is I think we definitely dodged a bullet and definitely were being redirected. And that's like a big principle that I'm learning is just like, rejection is redirection. And of course that's a big thing for our ego to make peace with because rejection or failure is obviously like, what did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me? Here we are. I guess it's like January. Well, we had all planned on getting all our stuff ready, hit the ground running, get new jobs, get blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, obviously none of that happened. I think actually Davis had his job until the last day of January. So, like, during that time he was still working and I was I had like my little remote job. I mean, I still have it, but I was working as much as made sense for me and trying to get things taken care of on my end and looking for new jobs and not really enjoying what I was finding. And we're also like, where are we going to live? I wasn't liking any of the places that we saw, and another friend had sent their friend's place that they were renting. And I wasn't stoked about having to live above someone at first, I think, especially if you are a veteran listener of the podcast and you have experienced all of the locations that I have recorded in. I used to live in the upstairs of an apartment, and our new landlord politely reminded me that a baby didn't live downstairs. But I was so paranoid and had all of these paranoid thoughts of how I needed to be quiet and how I needed a tiptoe, and that just wasn't something I was interested in just as a living. Like, if you have experienced feeling like you need to walk on eggshells, literally, it just takes up a lot of mental energy. I'll just say that. And so I think I just wasn't interested in moving to a place where somebody was living downstairs. Fast forward. We're living in that house now because I kind of was like, okay, well, yes, it is going to remind you of the past and trigger you, but it's literally everything that you wanted in a place. It's literally the budget that you are asking for. It's literally bigger than the place that you were just in. And it's definitely a different landlord, which I'll say is we dodged the bullet. That's all I'll say. It was nice to finally have a place. It was nice to do the process again. And yeah, just a lot going on. So fast forward a little bit more. We signed at the end of January, so we had been living with my friend for like a month, and goodness gracious, I'm just so thankful that we are here now. We've got all of our stuff out of boxes, more or less. I think we're still kind of trying to sort everything else out. Sort everything out. This place actually has a shed, so I'm really excited. Davis got to keep all his tools and wood things out there. And it's a beautiful front yard, backyard, front porch. So many things that we really care about that we wouldn't have had at our last place had it worked out. We have so much room. We each have enough room for us to have our little space. So I've got my studio room, DAVEY'S got his, that we can just kind of do our creative stuff. We've got so much space. It really, truly feels so good to have everything out. And it feels good to be able to one even be in a mentally and emotionally sound place to record a podcast. But it feels good to go back to normal. Like, I haven't felt normal since, I don't know, three months ago, two and a half months ago. Just not having my stuff. Like, all my stuff has literally been in a storage unit. For a month and a half and I guess just in boxes. But yeah, that's kind of like the story of what happened and oh, yeah, I also through another friend thanks. Amy got recommended this job that is so cool. I get to teach science clubs to kids after school, which is like a dream come true. I was literally like, what can I do? Doing research and wearing a lab coat without needing to have a degree, pass bachelor's and work at a hospital. And the universe was like, well, here you go. So I'm really excited and grateful to be able to have the time and the space to continue my creative stuff and to have a job with income and just so many blessings that came out on the other side of all of this chaos that happened. I think some of the things that I wanted to talk about, too, was, like I said, I wasn't really able to reflect on it and integrate that for a minute, because I think I needed the time to go through those emotions. And, I mean, we literally had to let it all play out step by step. Because it's not like you can just snap your fingers and everything's just fixed. There are going to be times where we have to live in the discomfort for several days, for weeks. We can't just expect everything to be perfect all the time or go according to plan. I think the biggest thing was, like, humbling me in that you can plan oh, my God, a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather. Literally, you can plan as much as you want, but you are going to set yourself up for disappointment if you expect and believe these plans to go through no matter what. You know what I mean? This has been a huge lesson for me and just letting go, letting go of shit that doesn't matter, letting go of my expectations, letting go of what I thought was going to happen, letting go of how I thought people would treat me, letting go all my stuff. I was actually really proud of me for being okay with not having access to any of my things. I think I literally just kind of turned off that part of my brain. I was like, if it's not here in front of me, I don't own it. Like, there was just so much letting go that in retrospect, now I see had to happen. But of course, back then you're like, well, I'm fine, I don't need to let go of that. But it seems like obviously I still had a lot that I was holding on to and I think it was just me wanting to be safe and have security. And I don't think there's anything wrong with having expectations and yeah, having this idea that things are going to work out this way and kind of expecting them to too. And it's just like, wild to think about also that you can't like, thank God I was listening to that small voice, my intuition saying, like, it's going to work out, it's going to work out, it's going to work out. You're going to have to go through this crazy, chaotic path. My intuition didn't tell me that part, but it just kept telling me it's going to work out. And it's crazy because this at least was a practice in me because I was freaking out like before. Well, I was telling myself not to freak out at the beginning because I was like, look, it's going to work out the way it's supposed to. You're going to find a house. It's all going to work out. And I'm just thinking of me worrying about a job or me worrying about a house. Like, thankfully it all worked out. And thankfully we were financially able to make it all work out. But I guess it's like me telling my previous self and my ego, like, see, this is why you didn't get that interview. Or this is why the interview didn't work out, or this is why this didn't work out. This is why this didn't work out, because this needed to happen so this could happen. And we don't know that beforehand. And it's something we can only know through reflecting and looking back and having time to process and integrate, because then it all starts to make sense. When I was sad and deep in it, I couldn't have known that this was going to happen, or I couldn't have known that this needed to happen. And it's just like, it's just incredible. The way our life is in existence is because we don't know. We literally don't know. But I think that we are conditioned to fear the worst, to have the biggest fear of uncertainty, or to not trust ourselves, or to not trust things to work out in the best way, I guess. And this has also been a fucking situation where I had to embrace madness. Like, I had to practice what I preach and really go through that whole transformation, that whole journey, that whole experience of everything that I thought, like, crumbling right in front of me and trusting that there was something being orchestrated behind the scenes that I wasn't privy to. And I had to trust and I had to keep believing and I had to let go of the doubt and the fear because if I would have just stayed in like a fearful, sad place, I probably would still be there. And I think too, as much as discomfort and frustration and sadness is like, we don't want to feel those things, I really think that letting myself be exhausted and letting myself be sad and angry and confused really kind of just kept me going. I allowed myself to move through all of those weird feelings and I don't think I would be where I'm at if I didn't. I think if I were to resist all of that stuff, I would still be pissed, I would still be angry. And I'm still releasing a lot of that because people are doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. But it's also frustrating, like me knowing that I have kind intentions and then people not always treating me like that or people doing their thing. So this has also allowed me to see people for where they are and not take their actions or words personally because it feels personal. But everybody is doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. And that is just the period on the sentence that I'm going to say. What else? I wonder if there's anything else. Yeah, it's just been wild. Like, literally, it just felt like a whole psychedelic trip. But now and that was what was so hard, too, because everyone's like, How's Nashville? How's it going? How's blah, blah, blah? And I'm like, do you want the real answer? Because it's not really fun right now. It's not really what I thought it was going to be, but now that I'm settling into it and now that we're in this place and it's just crazy, like, how it's literally everything I think I wanted. Truly. It's like, kind of rural, but not rural, but it feels rural. And we're pretty not centrally located, but just in a good spot to access a lot of the city. And we've got cool stuff around us. There's some trails at the end of our street. And we're just so lucky and so blessed. And not a day goes by that I celebrate the gratitude for all of this. And I'm still trying to figure out how to integrate what just fucking happened into my life. But I have learned a lot about myself and Davis and I have also been really challenged in our relationship. And I think we are a whole lot stronger. We've been through so much crazy, terrible shit together that we're like, oh, we can literally do anything now. As long as we talk to each other and allow each other to just be like, we can do anything. I definitely think now my resilience meter is bigger. My tolerance level is, I guess, higher. There's just a lot. There's a lot. And I think, like I said, it's literally only been, I guess, almost two months since we it's been two months since Christmas. So, yeah, I think there's probably still more to be revealed. And even if there's not, that's okay, too. I think I just am taking it day by day and continuing to have gratitude for what I do have and continuing to feel accepting of letting go of what I don't need or what doesn't belong in my life anymore. And yeah, it's a lot, but I'm just excited and I want to start doing a video component to my podcast, too. I think I was trying to get set up for this episode, but I was like, if you wait till you get it perfect, then you're never going to record this episode. So let's just get this one down. Just start the creativity cycle and just start because I have all of this too, has put me in a creative funk, and I think I just needed this funk. And sometimes we need these completely terrible, horrible experiences to break us open and really call on us to be vulnerable and see what's true for us. And so I'm grateful to be at a space where I feel like I can start to create or start to feel confident, to show up on social media, to record podcasts, to get back to what it is that I need to be doing. Because I think despite feeling like there's shit going on all the time, I still believe that I'm supposed to be sharing my love and sharing my message and sharing hope and wisdom to my community and my audience. And I want to be able to get to a space where I can do that. And I know that I'm not always going to be feeling 100%, and there are going to be times when I have to go through shitty experiences. But I think that this is a big part of Embrace the Madness. I believe that this suffering is universal, meaning that because we are human, we are all going to experience varying degrees of the spectrum of human emotion. But I think that the cool thing is we can communicate what's helped us and share those lessons with the ones around us, to help them through their shitty times and to help them get through whatever it is they might be going through. And so I'm excited to be back. I'm excited to be getting serious again. If you follow me on Instagram, it's at Embrace the Madness underscore you'll see that I have been doing a special this February for one on one Clarity sessions. For only $33, you get a zoom call with me. We'll chat for 30 minutes, and we will do a personalized worksheet to see where you're at and see where you want to go and maybe some places that you feel stuck and just kind of help you talk through that and build that bridge to get you to where you want to be and feeling good about where you're going and where you are and getting unstuck and yeah. Just really helping you get clear and get closer to what it is you want to do in the world and bring to the world. And so if you are interested in that, I can also put a link to that in the show description. And what else? What else, what else? Yes. Those are $33 for the month of February. So as of right now, it's February 22. Two, two, two. And so you got six more days, and then I'm definitely going to do some one on one stuff. After that, I just need to get it all planned out and post. And if you are interested in anything else that I've put out, I've also got an awesome Recharge Your Reality Digital workbook that will help you get kind of clear on what reality you would like to experience and how you can begin to create that for yourself. Right now, that's only $555, $0.55 on my shopify. Again, I will put that in the link, and if you just want the link, it's Embracethemadness myshopify.com and I'm just so grateful to be back and I'm so grateful to have community and listeners like you to listen to my stories and listen to me talking and support me, especially when I'm going through the madness. So I think that might be it for today's episode. Again, I'm excited to be creating and to be back. And as always, if you have any suggestions or comments, please DM me on Instagram. Again it's at embrace the madness underscore and yeah, if you ever want to hear a specific topic on the podcast, I'm more than happy to read your DMs and see what you've got to share. I love you all so very much and I will catch you later in another episode. Love you all. Bye.