Moving Through Death, Grief, & Chaos

Where are we? Okay, 30 years later, it looks like it's in the same spot. Who cares? Okay. Yeah. I feel like I just, at this point, want to record videos, and I have these podcast ideas, but since I don't have a directly set up space, it's a little like this on the fly. We're learning and we're growing, and I'm just excited to have video. And I think since I used Zoom last time, it was like 700 p, and I was like, this is literally a two K camera. Like, why? So I'm like, do I want to switch? I just want to make sure it looks cool because I'm just about to start talking to you for a little bit. So, yeah, I'm chasing daylight. I've got daylight as my light source, and I'm still learning about lighting and how to do it, like I said, brand new. But this is my little space. I'm excited. It's getting cuter every day. I mean, it's pretty much decorated for what I've got, but just, like, being able to have a creative space after five months of just kind of, like, my life being everywhere, our stuff, being in a U Haul, not really feeling inspired, creatively, and really honestly recently, well, I guess that's different. But, yes, having a dedicated space really is so helpful. And I'm excited to be able to show you all, too, because I think it's cool to be able to see other people's creative processes and how they have stuff set up. And, like, I'm literally just a girl in the world. We did karaoke last night. But, yeah, this is just me doing stuff that I enjoy doing. And, yeah, get a lot of good neurochemicals out of it. And it's literally a desk and a bulletin board and pens and stuff like that. So welcome. Long winded. Welcome. If you are a new listener of Embrace the Madness, then you're here. This is my second video episode, and if you're listening to the audio, there's a video version on YouTube where you can watch and listen at the same time. But then I also have just the audio file for people who are listening on Spotify or itunes or things like that. Excuse me. Okay. I talked about it a little bit on my social media. I've just felt gutted, honestly. Like, something that I've been experiencing within the last few months is, how do I continue creating when I don't feel like creating? And it's been challenging. Our house thing was weird, which seems like forever ago. And, yeah, when we moved to Nashville, our supposed to house was flooded. So we've been thriving in our new one. And just having these really, like because my first response when shit hits the fan is, like, I don't feel like creating, and I don't feel like I'm still processing my feelings. So it's like, how do I also be a human on social media? Because I just don't want to get on. I don't want to do anything except, like, lay in my bed. Yeah. So the school shooting actually was very close to me, just in proximity. Fortunately, I didn't lose anyone, but through my new job here I am working with kids after school. So that happened. And that was another situation where I was just like, I had to experience my own trauma and grief first, but then I also had the thoughts in my brain like, well, you haven't posted in three weeks. And my brain is just really mean when I'm not consistent. I'll just say that. And that was like, a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm feeling better and just tapping into that creativity after all of this. But it's just been so hard and really, like, the house thing and then the shooting happening back to back. It's just like, okay, well, obviously really big traumatic shit is going to happen that's kind of not always under my control. Like, how do I navigate through it? How do I still feel safe and free enough to create or create podcasts or talk about my feelings or what else? Even write music? I think being able to DJ and play music and record my mixes for Wixr, that is always a fun, creative thing. But just not being able to do the things that I've been waiting to do is kind of like a lot to experience and move through. And so that's just kind of where I've been. And yes, it results in me not creating or I mean, it's only been a month. I'm so hard on myself about my podcast. It's like, I am, but I'm not. But yeah, I've just been in a space of, like, how do we go on to our normal lives? Like, when we process a grief or a loss or a death or any of that nature? I mean, honestly, the state of the world, I feel like I'm very grounded. And I've also been like, AW. So it's like, tough out there. And honestly, Pluto just moved into Aquarius, which is all about shaking shit up and really just kind of transforming Phoenix style towards more community oriented, towards more, like, humanitarian things. And the structures that we have in place, are they're not humanitarian? I'll say that I think I just wanted to share kind of my experience and how I've been navigating through things. I feel like I've experienced a lot of loss in my life, lots of death, lots of just very intense shit. And it's like, never necessarily easier the more these things happen, but we do grow stronger. And I just want to share what I've gone through or experienced or found a good thingamabob to go with it. So death, how do we move through death? And I feel like this is definitely a big, intense topic. Well, it doesn't even I mean, it could be intense in a good way, in a painful way, but death is so visceral and visceral meaning just like it just fucking hurts. It hurts. Not being able to go back to the way things were before, not being able to experience that in that same way. And it's hard. I mean, especially after the school shooting. That was just weird. Oh, I don't think I kind of shared well, I had actually been in that school several weeks prior because they are one of the schools that we do our things with. And it was scary as shit. Like, knowing that I had just been in a space where something so violent happened and it was just a lot. And then trying to understand why this is even happening, I get really heady and existential, but I was just like, what in the fuck is going on? Thinking about the fact that we even live in a world that's like, this is a lot to come to terms with and accept. And that's been super hard for me lately. How do we integrate all this pain and suffering when it's just like, right there, right there, not going away. And that was kind of like an interesting way that I was relating to trauma because this isn't the first traumatic thing that's happened. I've been through a lot. I've actually done a podcast episode on trauma and how we can create a safer place to navigate all that. So it kind of was just like, you forget how. Just like, it's there and it's not going away. Kind of just like it's always there in the background, like just getting physically injured. You're like, oh, well, I have a really deep cut now that's just there, that wasn't there before, that I have to live with. It's hard. The shit is hard. This shit is real and painful. And it's hard not to get swept away in it all too. How do we go on? I feel like our bodies are just like, no, I can't do this. Loss and death is just one of those weird, weird things. Like, how do we now go about our lives when things are not the same at all? I remember I think we were 19 or 18 or something. Like one of my best friends died. He got killed. We got tattoos, forum trauma. Erin and that, I think, was one of the first. I can't remember if my grandpa died before that, 2013. They must have died around the same time. I can't remember when my grandpa died. I'm like looking I have a picture of him and my Grandma Aaron died just out of nowhere and especially at 19 years old. Like, how do you process how does any child process loss and death? And maybe they understand on a deeper level or I mean, it still seems like so much for a little mine to be able to comprehend. And that's just where I've been going with all of the school stuff. I've been trying to figure out how I can be the best. Whatever. I just want to be trauma informed and sensitive to this crazy ass shit that just happened. Like, how do you care for or cultivate a healing, safe environment for 20 kindergartners that just, like, that could have been their school? It's been a lot, and I'm so thankful that I have the tools because this isn't the first trauma I've experienced, and so I've learned from past times. Okay, well, we need to know what the typical symptoms or just what's normal. A lot of it's normal. Grief and death is just one of those things that is so it's, like, universal, but it's also so personal because I think we all grieve differently and grieve at different timelines, and it takes some of us longer to process grief, and it takes others really quick. I feel like I've been, like, a really quick one, but I also have to kind of check where is that me locking the door and hiding that for now. It's just one of those things that it's also different for us. And to me, what I've learned is, like, anything is normal. Let yourself do whatever the fuck you want. If you need to lay in bed, lay in bed. They have so much food at funerals, all you want to do is eat. There's nothing there's not really much you want to do just because the pain is so visceral. Especially at the very beginning and a few weeks ago or whenever it all happened, I was just like, dude, let yourself do nothing. If you want to eat, don't worry about if it's, like, too much pizza or too much ice cream. You eat as much ice cream and pizza as you need because you're experiencing something, and you got to think about it energetically too. Our emotions, they cost energy. It takes energy for us to feel and experience. It takes our body processes. They need the energy they need. Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Good job. I'm glad you could tell I'm like a nerdy teacher. Science. Anyways. I'm uncovering a persona that I never, ever thought would come out. I mean, I guess maybe look, you can kind of see it. That's actually my research thesis from undergrad. I'll have to share it one day. Where were we? Jeez. Let me get a sip. Let me get a sip. Sip. Okay. Where were we? Yeah, definitely personal. What I've basically come to is being able to just monitor myself, just making sure I'm noticing. I've definitely noticed my hyper vigilance has gone way up. I'm still very scanning my environment, and our bodies are looking for danger. That's the thing. When we experience trauma, our bodies are basically like, I never want to experience that ever again because it's a threat to our survival. It's a threat to our safety. And I don't know, it's just always stuck with me. Our biology teacher was like, wait, what was I even saying biology is like organisms just want to mate and produce offspring. They just want to survive and do that. That's what our biological instinct is. As humans, I believe that we are also animals, like whoa, we share similar structures, respiratory systems, digestive systems, things like that. And so I just think there's a lot of commonalities. And so if our basic reptilian brain, basic fundamental is just trying to get safety, imagine what happens if you get a physical wound or like an animal does. They would be like I got to go run and hide and nurse myself back to health so I don't get eaten or whatever. And we're the same way. When our bodies experience trauma, it's like we get defensive, like our fight or flight gets triggered. Our bodies just want to GTFO so they don't have to experience that again. What happens with a lot of trauma is it gets stored in the body because there is nowhere for that physical tension to go. It most often has to stay inside, especially experiencing a traumatic thing. But something that's external from you. I guess in my head I was thinking you would know something and you would be holding onto it and you would have to be conscious of letting it go or things like that. Knowing that our body is having a biological response to trauma I believe really helps us understand the whole parameter of what's happening. Parameter? I don't even think that's the right word, but the whole scope of what's happening. I really like science and how it kind of helps build this structure through which we can understand things. And I am very kind of like holistic mind, body, spirit. So I like to connect these biological dots with the energy and with the kind of spiritual nature as well. So knowing the way that death or trauma is going to be absorbed by our body or being perceived by us, that is crucial because awareness is really important. And if we don't have awareness that something's even happening, then how do we even know it's happening? I answer my own question. The squirrel's like climbing to the top of the roof. I'm like looking out my window. I'm so grateful to can you hear those birds? I don't know if you can, but there's like birds tweeting. I heard something on a TikTok about bird song, just like the idea of birds singing in nature, in trees, because they're always doing that before humans. But that being like a positive benefit to our health and it was talking about safety. Like when you hear birds in nature, it means you're not presently running away. You can focus on things outside of just like this little tunnel and that's something else that happens with trauma too. We are using so much energy on being able to just stay alive in this present moment that we can't always look around us or pay attention to the details, especially when we're in the moment, all of our energy is literally being redirected to go get us out of this situation. And I keep forgetting where I'm going with all of this, but maybe just creating awareness. So I really highly recommend checking out the trauma episode. I've also got one about the way I think peace, how stress and our fight or flight kind of activates and how we can activate the parasympathetic, which is like, not the runaway, it's the, oh, we're safe, let's chill, and we can actually activate that in our lives intentionally. And those are two really good episodes I recommend you check out. And I can figure out how to do that, like, cool YouTube trick. Oh my God, I wonder if my glasses are going to be messed up. Oh, well, they're not messed up. Do you see? They're like this people are going to watch my YouTube video and be like, what's going on? I don't know. I just feel like we're going into this more authentic, not so cookie cutter way of being, and I just want to record my stuff. I mean, ultimately, yeah, I wish. I mean, I think I'd give you kind of cool shit to look at, but cool is relative and it's cool to me. So we were talking about death and the way trauma and death kind of impact our bodies. Yeah, I just think the awareness helps us because then we're not like over here worrying while we're grieving. Like, oh my God, is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? We don't even have time and space for that. My philosophy is anything goes with your grieving process as long as it's healthy for you in the sense of not harming others or not harming you. Just trust that you have your own personal way to heal and way to grieve, and that's completely okay. And be very mindful not to compare your process to others because this is not going to be the same. Me and my partner have really a lot of different ways of processing. And so especially with grieving, we grieve differently. And that can feel sad and it can feel isolating. And I think that's like the thing with grief, too. It's already feeling isolating because we feel like, how could I be connected to something? It just feels like that connection is temporarily fragmented, at least in my experience. That's what I've come to. But yeah, we grieve differently and there's nothing wrong with that. And other people might get upset and they're going to have to get over it. I had to get over it. Everybody has their own process, and that's okay. And I know it is painful when you see somebody who isn't doing better or isn't where you're at. They can't talk about it the way you can. They probably haven't even processed it the way you have. And so it's just really important to be gentle with ourselves and in our process. And just the individualness, but also coming back to the universalness. And that, I think, is something that helps me feel grounded when things are happening and really remembering that you're not alone in this, and it can feel isolating. But we all actually experience some sort of death and loss in our lives, and humans have since they were here, and humans will until we're not here. And we can see it everywhere in nature. We can see it with plants, we can see it with animals, we can see it with seasons. We can see it in nature when flowers bloom and then they die, and then they grow again and bloom again and die again. And really tuning into this natural, universal way of things helps you to see that. Well, one, this is temporary. The pain that you're feeling is temporary, and it will not last forever. Two, why I haven't been tested for ADHD or autism, but the jury's not out. The jury's not out. I don't know. There's a lot of factors. Anyways, if you're waiting on number two, I am so sorry. So we're talking about how nature can help us understand things. Yeah. Number two, it is universal. It literally happens to everything. And I know that doesn't take the pain away, but when we can see like, oh, other people experience death and loss and they have navigated it and they have made it through and they have figured out a way to live after something so painful and heartbreaking and and just really tuning into that commonality of it all. You're not alone and experiencing it. And many religions and philosophies believe that in science, energy can never be created or destroyed. Like, it's just transformed. We might go reincarnate somewhere and come back. There's a lot of things, I think davis talks about Buddhism, where it's so rare to be a human, it's so rare to be a conscious human. It's so rare to be alive. It's literally like a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny chance that we are even here right now. Think about all the planets that don't have water on them. Think about what would have happened. This is a plug to watch everything everywhere all at once. What would have happened if your spirit or energy or your soul was like, actually, let's go be a rock on Jupiter? You know what I mean? It's just such a small chance that I am who I am and that you are who you are. And there's just so many things. There's so many things. Like, we aren't even alive for more than 100 years yet. Like, technology could change that, but that's also crazy to think about too. We are here for a Blip, and it is so crazy that even though we're only here for a Blip, we can experience something so painful like death or things like that. And I think also a big thing with processing and honoring your process is it's okay to still be sad and it's okay to feel sad. It's normal to feel sad. It's so important that you are able to hold space for all of these emotions that you are having and allow yourself to experience them so that they don't stay stuck and they don't stay trapped. Crying is a form of energetic release. Allowing ourselves to experience this allows it to run its course so that it can go be something else. And the logical part of our brain also wants to be like, okay, no more emotions. Let's think about why it happened and let's try to rationalize and justify all the details we can. Let's try to blame this situation or this circumstance or this person when that's just our brain trying to find security and the answer and shit like that. And we need both. It's still important that we process our grief however we do. And not try to force yourself to just feel better or to not be sad. Like, yes, everything like all of these is it absolute or relative? Absolute. Like all of these absolute things. Like, yes, we don't live very long as humans and yes, I also recognize that that doesn't take the pain away. That's why I'd say you don't have to force yourself to just get over it or expect yourself to just feel better. And being able to see both sides of it is really helpful. Being able to see that it is like a really shitty, painful, like part of being alive, but knowing that it is so rare to be here and the privilege and the specialness of being able to have experienced being alive with the person or friend or whatever you have lost or separated from. How cool is it that you got to experience it all together? And that's another thing. Grief comes in waves. Like you might think you're fine for days, weeks even and then something just like smacks you and that's going to happen. It's going to happen that you are going to be overcome with emotion out of nowhere. That's a silly thing too, about grief is like anything will make you cry or lose your shit. Like the smallest thing. I don't even know an example, like if the store clerk pressed the wrong button or something and you just lose your shit. We feel so out of control with the death process, at least our brain does. And we just want normalcy and comfort and security and safety and when someone fucks something up or does something by accident, we just lose it. And so if you've ever lost it, that's completely normal. And just what I was saying earlier, give yourself grace and just really just let yourself just go all the way in, like just a lean all the way the fuck in, because it will truly be so rewarding in the long run. And being able to navigate this stuff, what I've learned from my 30 years of living is like, it doesn't ever stop. Suffering never stops. Death never stops. It's just part of life, and it's just something that exists. And I actually did, I think, an episode on impermanence and death kind of when? 2020. It was like, right when COVID happened because I just got this overwhelming feeling of like I thought people had just never thought about death that way, either ever or in a very long time. And so I just felt that it was like a very fear of dying because that's so real. Like, losing touch with the material reality and what we know to be true and what we experience. I don't understand what that's like, to not be that, to be somewhere other than right here, right now. I just don't know what that feels like. I mean, we do it when we dream and just losing yeah. Having to separate from something and something being removed from your life and it's like, not there anymore is just hard and it's weird, and it doesn't make sense. And I think I've just surrendered to the fact, like, I don't even know if it will ever make sense. I think I've just kind of told myself it's something that my human brain can't comprehend because worrying about it is just going to create more suffering and really just yeah, it honestly just prolongs everything. But that's also your process. And if you need to prolong it, you need to prolong it, and that's completely okay. And only you know what it's going to be like. Honestly, I can tell you all of these things, and you can try to remember them or try to do it, but only you are going to experience it the way that you do, and only you will know what that's like. You're going to do your own thing, and you're going to experience the things that you're meant to experience. And I think just what I've learned is just like, lean all the way in. Just know that it's just a part of life and try to seek comfort and safety where you can just get so good at listening to yourself and taking care of yourself and really just knowing, like, I need to just be okay with just existing right now. That's okay, we shouldn't hold ourselves to these expectations. And that's a big thing that I have been doing, too. I've experienced some pretty intense, traumatic stuff, at least just in the last few months. And it's okay that I don't want to create. It's okay that I don't feel organized. It's okay that I don't feel productive or creative or anything like that. Something is just happening right now. And you kind of have to surrender to it because just like a brand new gash in your leg, it's not going anywhere, at least for a while. And really making friends with that. And that's not easy at all, especially when all we want is comfort and for everything to be okay. And death just brings up a lot of shit. It just brings up a lot chaos having I honestly probably would like to be doing more to maintain my cortisol levels and we could get into a whole political theory of us being in fight or flight all the time is a tactic, but let me get a sippy. I really think I'm probably going to start singing soon. I don't know what that means or what that looks like, but I just feel like I have like a there's just a voice, I don't know. And part of me wants to keep it just really light and goofy because we're all going to die anyway. And I've definitely gotten to a place where I can just talk about it like that. And I know that it's probably not as easy for everybody and it could be very triggering and I don't do it with mal intent, so just know that I'm sending you so much love. I actually technically have my 8th house, my Venus and my 8th house, and 8th is like the scorpio energy of just kind of like death and dark and weird stuff. So that could be a reason that I'm like I'm not afraid of it. And I feel like I'm probably meant to help others navigate and process because death is fucking hard. It's just hard. It's hard knowing that that person's never going to be there anymore. It's hard knowing what life's going to look like when it's ever looked like this before. There's so much that comes up. But you're never alone. You're never alone. And there's so many people out there that support you and care about you and love you and really leaning on each other during these times is so important. And I was trying to think about the chaos piece, but community for sure. I mean, Pluto and Aquarius, like we come from a time of just being very individualistic in terms of are we even friends with our neighbors? I feel like we used to go ring the doorbell to sell shit. That's crazy too, that schools have got companies get away with letting kids go door to door to Solicit for fucking fundraisers. It's like going to Chuck E-G-I would always want the big prize and that's where they get you. And you always had to sell a lot of shit. And sometimes I'm shy and I don't want to go talk to people, strangers that I've never met before sometimes. But anyways, I don't even know how I got off on that tangent. So yeah, we've talked about moving through death and moving through grief and we kind of touched on chaos. But I just kind of feel I mean, if you've been paying attention to there's like a whole community on TikTok. There's a lot that the media wants us to think about in terms of what we think about the state of the world or things. Like that. And I think it's so important right now that we work together and build community together because I don't really know what is going to happen in terms of our country, our way of being. There's a lot of shitty legislation out right now and I think it's so hard to not like it is life or death. Literally, it is. And it's so hard because it's a long game and it's hard not to just spiral out mentally because of the way things are. And that's where I've been lately too, is like some days I can't do anything but lay in bed and I'm just like I could force myself but I just can't right now. And that could be because I'm scrolling a lot. We have to make sure we're watching that and how often we're sucking ourselves in there. It's so important to stay informed. We just have to be mindful. It's kind of like monitoring yourself during trauma and grief. We just have to be mindful of ourselves. And really how I've been moving through the chaos is just knowing that when I am tuned into myself, I can be stronger. During times of chaos, making sure to intentionally create moments for myself and space, like sitting down and breathing meditation, just giving myself that intentional time to cultivate groundedness and strength and just even just the mindset of like, okay, shit's going crazy, but I know I can do this. I can do this. I just have to keep taking care of myself. I have to make sure I'm thinking of the important shit right now. And that's just so scary sometimes to think about too. And I don't say any of this to be alarmist or anything like that. I'm just kind of processing things as they've came up for me and it's just interesting. But I go back to thinking, when have we not experienced suffering for thousands and thousands of years? I mean, I don't understand a lot of it, why it's here. I just know that it is here. And the thing that I can control is how I perceive it and how I dance with it and how I choose to act and choose to believe. And so I just been focusing on what I can control and I think that's like the biggest piece of advice for when things feel out of your control and chaotic and what the F is going on. Just think, focus on what you can't control. And that's nourishing your body and sleeping and doing what you need to do to just get your bare necessities, your basic needs met. And that's also like a privilege to be able to do because experiencing death and grief and trauma without resources is, I can imagine, very painful and challenging. And so this is another reason why it's so important to be able to have just like free resources and ways for people to care for themselves and cultivate a life that is healthy and healing for them without having to have a lot of money or access to resources. I think we all deserve healing and to be cared for and to take care of ourselves. I just know there's a lot of ways that Underprivileged people can't experience that. So I'm all about creating this community and opening up just this space where we can heal together. And you might think it's cheesy, but it's who I am and it's who I am. It's who I am and it's what I care about. And I'm excited to build a future that is beautiful and conducive to everybody who lives here and get rid of things that are no longer serving us as a collective. I'm excited to build new things and to create the world that we've always wanted and bring more love and peace. I get excited and tingly thinking about it. I hope this episode helped. I think being able to talk through some of it was helpful for me. So thanks for listening and I'm so glad I got I keep doing this. Don't look at it. I got a nice sunset. It didn't get too dark in here, but yeah. I don't know if I have 1080 on or what, but better quality this time, baby. Thanks so much for listening. Don't forget, you can check out all my different episodes on Spotify. This is my second video one, so it's on my YouTube channel. I've got the one before this. I recorded a video and you can also find me on Instagram. Embrace the madness underscore. I'm popping around on TikTok, the link, you can get it in the show notes. And yeah, I think that's it for now. I love you all so much and I'm sending you all so much love right now. I know it's chaotic and doesn't really make sense, but just remember, you're not alone and there's so many people that love and care about you and we're going to make it through this together uprom. See you next time. Bye.