Welcoming Change, Sobriety, and Turning 30

Hello. I'm trying to get everything set up. Oh, shit. No, it's wobbly you maybe it's supposed to I don't know if it's supposed to be that loose. As you can tell, this is my first video. Yeah. The lighting in my room is like so this is actually oh, my God. It's actually like thunderstorming outside and it's hard to get natural light. I got a little bit, but then it's like those blinds have to be. Hello. Welcome to embrace the madness. It's going to be a little bit of a learning curve while we get situated. Obviously, I'm your host, Madeline, now with a video component. Let me make sure you can hear me. I feel like, yeah, you have to be able to you don't have to. So welcome. If you are a regular listener of the podcast, then you know that normally it's audio only, but today it's video and hopefully that sorry, it's like, been a minute. I need to learn how to talk for a second. Yeah, if you've been a regular listener, then you know that wait, it's like, stay still so I can adjust. Yeah, you know that it's been an audio situation. Yeah. I feel like the world nowadays is interested in video. People want to see people talking stuff for TikTok. So, lo and behold, we got a camera, baby. And yeah, this is my set up, kind of I've got my Embrace the Madness stuff here. This is like my matto station because who doesn't need more than one desk? So, yes, I just wanted to say hello and get acquainted with this format of content creation. I'm like, I need some chapstick. Wait, I might have to get some later, but that's okay. So, yes, my intention is to get a good video set up going so I can record. And honestly, I've been thinking about YouTube lately. There's a lot of shit going on, too, of like, TikTok potentially getting banned, which is sad, but yeah, we'll see. I think we're flexible. And at this point, I just want to share my stories and my experience so we can all learn and listen and know that life doesn't have to be so complicated. That was an Admiral reference if you didn't know. Yeah, so those are my intentions. But I also was like, I don't want to wait until I have the perfect set up because then I won't record a podcast. And that's what I ended up doing with the last one about rebuilding your way out of rock bottom. I was like, look, I don't have the patience to get my video thing set up, so let's just fucking record it. So now I'm experimenting and playing with the light. It's really not that bad. It's a pretty good camera. It is recording through zoom, so it's like adding light and shit. But I mean, you just want to hear me talk and see me talk, right? So, yes, as you may or may not have known. I just turned 30, and I feel like I have been in this I don't know, I feel like I've been in a liminal space for the last several months. And I think that's to be expected. Like, we just moved, we just changed cities. I left my hometown of almost 30 years, so there were a lot of roots to pick up out of it. And yeah, it's just been in, like, a weird like I don't really even know how to explain it properly. It's just felt weird. And I'm practicing staying grounded even though I don't feel grounded and liminal just means kind of like, in between. Not specifically here or there. It's just kind of like this intermediate purgatory esque situation. Kind of yeah. I don't even remember where I was going. I was just talking about turning 30. Yeah, I think I've just been feeling honestly and I don't even know if it has to do with the astrology. I really don't know. I feel like there's so many different variables. It's hard for me to pinpoint and say, oh, no, it's that, it's that it's that. Because our bodies have a whole situation. Our hormones have a whole situation. If you are female, female identifying and you have female hormones, you understand how chaotic it can be. We just go through cycles and sometimes it's hard to say, is it an external event? Is it an internal event? Is it the weather? Like, I need to go get my allergies checked. But I literally think I'm allergic to pressure or just sensitive to pressure. So it's like, am I allergic to something or am I just allergic to the pressure? Who knows? And so being in this middle space has been really bizarre and I'm really having to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, which isn't comfortable. But I feel surprisingly good about all of this other than sometimes not knowing what's going on is a little disorienting and I'm kind of just, like, jumping all over the place. But as you can see, the title is what's the title? Here we are being silly. Yeah. Adjusting to change sobriety and turning 30. So I've definitely been just at a crossroads in my life. There's a lot and sorry, I'm trying to get all my shit together. Me. Yeah. So there's just been a lot of changes. We moved. I'm basically having to restart at zero and not really zero because it's like level two. You've done it before, but you're a beginner again, and that's also new. It's been a minute since I've kind of been a beginner just in terms of being in a new place, being in a new crowd, being in a new scene. When I was in Memphis, I have spent the last several years kind of building up my DJ career and learning to produce and all of that stuff. And it's just new when you have to go to a new city and make new friends, make new fans, get your shit out there. Because you haven't really established that trust or built that trust within your new community. And I'm doing it. I have been networking over the last year, but there's just a lot of stuff that you have to start over and be a beginner at again. And so I'm learning how to do that, and I really think I need to go get some chopstick. Hold on. Whoa. Freaking neck. And I love Chapstick. Did you hear that anticlimactic? Yeah. It just felt like there's a lot of shit happening all at the same time, and sometimes it can get overwhelming. And I don't know what happened, but I had a great birthday, and then I was really tired. And I've been tired, like, the last month. And this past year, I've really leaned into this idea of what rest is, what rest is not how do we rejuvenate ourselves after we're tired. I really started looking at life and everything as cyclical in nature. Cyclical meaning, like how we have different seasons in some parts of the world, just things, like a cycle. Like a flower starts from a seed, it grows, it blooms, it dies, it grows again, it blooms, it dies. That kind of cyclical nature. And so really leaning into this need that I have for rest, and also, we all have a need for rest. And simultaneously, this whole capitalism doesn't value rest. Rest does not equal productivity. And so I think we have this kind of unconscious belief that if we're not being productive or creating things or doing things or working towards things, then what are we doing? Who are we? Why are we a piece of shit? Stuff like that. So having learned all that last year, now also being like, oh, well, I just need rest. Maybe I need it, and trying to lean into it, but still also being like, what the fuck? I feel like I've been resting during this whole weird space, but then it's like, well, maybe I haven't. Maybe I've also gone through a lot of weird ass shit. Some of you know, and maybe have listened to the episode. But when we moved to Nashville in our new city, the house we were supposed to be moving it to was flooded. So we didn't have a house. And I recognize the privilege of having community in a new space and having all these friends who are there to catch you and support you. But it's still traumatic. It's still like we had this idea of how things were going to go, and it didn't go that way. And I have a lot of mutable energy in my chart, mutable meaning like, flowy and changey. And I'm a child of divorced parents and having to go back and forth. So I feel like change is something that I'm used to, but it's not something I'm always comfortable with. And so it's been an adjustment to that. And also allowing myself to be sad, allowing myself to be tired, also allowing myself to grieve this old way of being. I lived in my hometown for my whole life, and so that's kind of an end of an era in the beginning, a new way of being. It's just a lot. And I have to remind myself that it's okay and that we've been through a lot within the last couple of months, and it's okay to take the time you need. And it's just funny how our first thought is, like, you need to do better, or you need to get your shit together. So kind of just having that back and forth dialogue with myself of, like, it's okay that you feel weird. I mean, still pay attention to it, obviously. Like, I don't think it's to the point where I need medical attention, and I like to look at things more holistically and mind, body, spirit. And so I like to think of those things before I just go to the doctor or turn to medicine or anything like that, because I think there's a lot of energy that comes with change. And think about all the energy it takes for a flower to wilt and the time it takes, and it has to wilt and die, and then it has to go through winter, and so really allowing myself that journey, too, because I really don't think that we're that much different as humans. We're made of the same organic molecules, and we're just like animals. So that's how I look at things. And really, that perspective has allowed me to give myself grace and try to be sensitive to all of these changes and these new beginnings. So, yeah, all this stuff happening at once. Moving to a new city, starting from brand new, starting kind of my music journey from ground zero, square one, whatever your thing is called. I started a new job. There's new scenery. There's a new house. There's new just a lot of new stuff, which is cool. I'm like, Whoa, which is cool in its own right. It's awesome to have new stuff. It's awesome to have novelty in our lives. It's awesome to create a new space. I didn't have any of my shit like this at my old house. So this is a new layout, a new way of being. This is new. I've never recorded videos before for my podcast. I mean, me and Davis did that one video. We did, like, a relationship Q and A, like, I think six months. Holy shit. Was it literally six months into our relationship? I don't know, but it's super cool. Check it out. I should put it on YouTube, too. But going back to that whole, like, there's a lot of new shit. There's a lot of endings to old shit. It's like I'm in Beaufa, like, both dying and being born again, and it's just it's just weird. It's just weird. There's a lot to think about and reflect on. And if you follow me, you know that I analyze the shit out of everything I journal all the time. I reflect. Like, I love this shit. I love thinking about this shit sometimes. And so there's just like I was saying, just a lot of energy that comes with ending things and beginning things and starting over and doing things like that. So when we're used to things the way they are, changing that or starting something new is really uncomfortable and sometimes frustrating, too. I know when I was living with everything in boxes, I was about to lose my shit all the time. I just couldn't deal with things being out of order or things being I mean, I also quit drinking alcohol almost six months ago. So all of this change plus being sober, and California is sober, if you want to be technical. But I still think sobriety is sobriety. And it doesn't matter because withdrawing from anything is still challenging. I might be sober from all substances one day, who knows? For now, I'm cool with just cutting out alcohol. Yeah, and don't get me wrong, change is great. I think change is a catalyst for growth and progress. And we need to change. Otherwise things are going to stay the same all the time. But it's just a new energy. It's a new energy that if you don't prepare for or acknowledge, you're just going to be like, why am I tired all the time? Definitely patience. And that's the thing too. Segue into being sober, adjusting to this exhaustion and new way of being. I mean, dude, working with kids, I'm not saying kids lead people to drink alcohol, but I understand why. It's just working with kids and the patience to be present and have your attention focused and also pulled in like 19 different directions. It's just new and it takes a lot of energy. And when I have previously masked or powered myself through consuming alcohol, things are going to be different. It's all new and interesting. And so, yeah, like I said, doing everything all at the same time. And not to say that I planned on quitting drinking alcohol or was like, yeah, I'm going to make my move really hard and not give myself any coping mechanisms. That's not really how I intended on doing it or wanted to do it. But honestly, I think quitting drinking is the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. It's really just allowed me to be free and learn how to I'm trying to think of how I want to word it. I don't know. I just love waking up feeling awesome. I love yeah, there's just nothing like there's literally nothing like it other than waking up not having drank because my hangovers got really bad towards the end. I had kind of like unofficially quit drinking last year. And so, yeah, a big reason and why I was like, because I kept trying to say, oh, well, I'll just have one. It's not going to be a big deal. I'll get a small margarita. It's not going to be a big deal. Dude, I would be knocked out for two days, honestly. Probably the sugar more than the alcohol. But my body was just telling me over and over again, like, I think we're dying. Okay, I'm going to give you a violent hangover then, just so you really understand. And that shit sucks. Adjusting to sobriety has been different and new and challenging. I'm realizing how much alcohol I'm going to say gave me energy, but maybe it raised my tolerance or my threshold. It definitely dulled my sensitivity. Now quitting drinking. I'm like, holy shit. I thought I was sensitive before. I'm very sensitive. I'm very sensitive to temperature and now kind of loud noises and bright lights, which is interesting because I'm in that industry, like playing shows. I still go to shows. I love the whole sensory experience. I love bright light. Well, I like lights. I like cool lights. I like good music. I definitely need to make sure I have my ear plugs because my ears are really sensitive now. I think that's the thing. They never weren't sensitive. I think alcohol just numbed a lot. And so I'm having to relearn how to live with myself and take care of myself because I'll just get completely irritable and it's like, why are you having it come apart? I don't know. All the sun's coming out. Well, I don't think the sun's coming out. Maybe the clouds are gone. This is cool. This is cool. I mean, I'm going to have to get used to recording myself. And hopefully I'm looking in the camera a lot so you feel like I'm connecting with you. Because sometimes when you just look at yourself on the video and you're like, do I look okay? Not want to make that face? Yeah, I think this is going to be interesting because it's easier to stay on track when you're not trying to stare at yourself. Yeah, I just feel like I'm getting distracted, but maybe that just means I can make my face smaller. Okay, what else? What else? Yeah. Dude, I never could have imagined six months of sobriety. Who am I? And that's the thing, too. If you feel like you're on the fence and you feel like you're like, man, I want to quit drinking. I just don't know how or I don't know what that would look like. Dude, I literally used to be the same way. I used to be like, I could never oh, I don't need to take a month off. I don't need to quit drinking. I could, but I don't need to. And then I would try and I wouldn't make it. And I'd be like, do we need to quit? Yeah, I promise there's a way, and I promise you can do it. There are so many NA, BEVs non alcoholic beers now. Dude. I want to try the zero proof liquor. I wasn't always really a liquor drinker, but I think a big thing for me is kind of just like the ritual of having something to drink. I love having a tasty beverage. It's really cool being able to get like a non alcoholic IPA or a sour. I feel like it's not like I'm not being deprived of something because it's like, oh, cool. It tastes like hops. I just want to feel like I'm drinking beer. I don't want any of the negative side effects, like waking up feeling like shit, being mega dehydrated all the time, not remembering what you said or did or just shit like that. And it really is a blessing being able to have so many alternatives. Soda. I really like ginger beer. And that's not to say I'm not just consuming a shit ton of sugar in a new way because probably but I'd rather consume sugar and try to wean myself off something that's harmful to me or something that I consider harmful to me. And I can just navigate the sugar later. Don't get me wrong. I think we definitely have a sugar problem. We also have a lot of problems. There's so many problems in the world. I just have to focus on what I can accomplish and what I can figure out for myself. Talking about being sensitive. Yeah, just like dealing with all these new changes. Too sober is new. Being really sensitive to things is very new. Typically, I could just be like, oh, I want to forget chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I don't do that anymore. Yeah, it's just a new adjustment, and I'm learning to be okay with it, and I'm learning to renavigate how to be sensitive in this world. And I definitely understand why we want to numb ourselves because there is so much overstimulation and horrible shit happening. I totally get it. And this also isn't me judging you if you do drink too. And I'm still practicing how not to project my judgment onto others who do choose to drink. Because we all have our own choices to make in our own lives, and who am I to say what you should do with your life? I just know that drinking alcohol has been a problem for me, and this has been such a lovely solution that is possible, I believe, for everyone. I definitely think there's so many resources out there. If you do want to quit drinking, I know the stop drinking subreddit, our stop drinking is really good, and I will not drink with you. It's really good, and it's just nice to have that support and community too. I'm not active on that subreddit, really. My whole journey with quitting drinking just kind of came out of nowhere. All of a sudden. My body just started not handling it well. Previously I was like, oh, I don't know how I'll ever quit alcohol. I just wanted to I just wanted to quit one day, and I kind of basically did a cold turkey, which was new and cool. But I know that that's not always possible for people, but just know that it is possible. And there's a lot of support out there and a lot of alternatives out there. So I'm always here if you need to talk about it. I know it's definitely different to be in the music and bass music scene, going to shows, not on substances or not drinking alcohol, because it is all around and there's bars, there's triggers everywhere. And so I know that it can be challenging, but I'm also here for support. And I think that learning to live and be and exist and have fun without alcohol has been really exciting. So I just want you to know that you can do it. And I believe in you. I believe in you. Yeah, definitely. Going out is new because I'll just be like, okay, well, I'll have water or soda. And a lot, surprisingly, of bars have had an NA beer, which I'm like, Fuck, yeah. Athletic is a really good I keep shaking everything. Sorry if the video is shaking. Athletic is a really good brewery. Heineken zero. I think is not horrible. It looks like it's getting brighter throughout the video. It started pretty grim, but it was, like, purple. I have my purple lights up, so I guess it's less now, but that's okay. At least you can see me clearly. I think hopefully this isn't my final form. This is just my first form. If you love my podcast, you'll love my silly videos. Now, what else? Yeah, also turning 30 I never would have imagined. So I feel like I am entering my thirty s. The best I've ever fucking felt. The proudest of myself I've ever felt in the best mindset I think I've ever had. I feel like my physical health is in the best that I've ever had. I'm not, like, ripped, but I'm just getting more comfortable in my body and exercising and moving and walking. I never imagined I would be sober at 30. There's just, like, a whole lot of cool things that I never would have anticipated. And I know that some people are like, 30 so old. I'm getting old, but I'm not subscribing to that. I don't think 30s old. I think 30 is very young. I think, especially as a woman, it's just getting better, I think. Yeah, I'm so grateful. I feel so supported and so loved. I feel like my spirituality is deepening, and I feel fulfilled in the work that I do, and it just feels incredible. And if you're 29 or got to be 30, I literally don't think there's anything to worry about. I think it's awesome. I think it's exciting. I think society or whoever the fuck is making the rules about 30 just as a negative nancy, I definitely want to do an episode about my Saturn return. And if you've never heard of that so a return just means when that planet is back in the same spot that it was when you were born. So, long story short, your natal chart is like, imagine if you took a picture of where all the planets were and the sun and stuff was when you were born. That's kind of like a little blueprint of the energy that is kind of working with you. And so the return is when that planet comes back. So Saturn return is when Saturn comes back to where it was when you were born. And Saturn is kind of this planet of structure and limitation and boundaries. And so some people talk about Saturn return being like a horrible time in your life. I think I had a really good one, kind of. I definitely think I deepened my faith completely. I've done a 180 since. I think mine started last April, which was interesting because that's when the yellow brick road thing happened. And if you've been following, you know, that was like one of my big manifestations that I had last year, being able to win that contest and go on to Kansas to play. So, yeah, I think it was definitely filled with just like, are you going to trust that everything's going to work out? Are you going to trust that the universe is going to work with you to create the life you want? And I don't even know if that's relevant to a Saturn return in general, but I just know that if we're lucky, we all experience a Saturn return and kind of going through that stuff. So anyways, I'll probably do a podcast because it is interesting to reflect on how that time impacted me and what I feel like I learned and stuff like that. But yeah, that's how I've been feeling lately. A little bit of all over the place, but like, good all over the place, kind of, yeah, I just wanted to check in and do my video and hopefully it works out. You all literally get to see how silly I am. But I'm also navigating this thing to where nobody's home right now, but I'm still really shy. Believe it or not, I'm really shy. Yeah, so navigating making TikToks or doing a podcast or doing stuff while people are here, or a downstairs neighbor. My brain just likes to say shit and irrational shit, and I'm navigating that and I don't really know what I'm saying at this point, but thanks for listening. I'm just excited because I think video is new and I think people want something to look at. And I know I enjoy short form content, but I've also been intrigued by long form and I don't know, I really love all the spiritual readers and the psychics. And if you're not into spirituality, then either you can hang or you can't and that's okay. But I am a very spiritual being, and I am going to be incorporating more spiritual things into my online stuff. I have tarot cards. I meditate. I am a baby crystal girl. I just got a new one here, let me show you. It's called opalite. Look, I'm like a YouTuber now. My God. It's really pretty. Look at that zoom, baby. Look at that zoom. This is also my monarch butterfly that I found, and she died, but she's, like, literally perfectly a butterfly. Yeah. So I feel like that's all I have for this episode. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for being awesome. Yeah, I got plenty of podcasts to listen to if you want to binge, and I'm just getting back into it and recording stuff and feeling creative and feeling compelled to create stuff and talk to you about it. So I hope you are excited and ready for new stuff, and I hope you have a great day and I'll catch you next time. Bye. Love you. Our channel.